Iphone quantifies your existence

Among the many iphone applications is one that tells you how well you sleep. Thanks to the gyroscopic device in the device and your leaving said device in your bed while you sleep, every unconscious shift and thrash you make is graphed and plotted against the moves that reveal good sleep. The moves that reveal good sleep were presumably plotted using the sleep of such ideal humans as do-gooders, prelates, nurses, those proven prone to smiling, a subset of humanity, relatively tiny, that gives the species a good to excellent name, depending on how you quantify those things.

So, with this data of the happy sleepers, some of it correlating quite closely with the deeply comatose, the app developers were able to slip normalcy under your bedsheets. Every shift, every move, presumably every stentorious fart, done in the sanctity of sleep is recorded by your phone and its ultra sensitive gyroscope, though I wonder whether this depends on the inclination of your mattress, perhaps there is another app that corrects it to the appropriate horizontal and sends a subliminal shock into your privates should the leveling procedure become too arduous for the device to follow.

Future app possibilities are of course infinite, remembering the future never actually occurs, we must remain distressingly in the present, and that’s no gift. Other sleep apps could include the foreplay to orgasm graph. In other words the clever oh so little gyroscope begins recording from your first fondle to when things begin to get hot and heavy with hand mouth and sexual organ involvement graphically detailing the moment each comes (sic) into play, when for example the hand leaves off for cunnilingus and when that takes a pause for penetration, by the penis that is.

Graphed along with these separable movements is the concomitant level of the partner’s excitation. The couple (threesome or group orgy applications are in the works but the parameters are much harder to set and we are waiting for 5G or higher to carry it off) will know everything about the time line of their sexual encounters; how much time between the first tweak of the nipple and that final blissful gasp, which moves elicit the biggest jumps on the graph, those being the ones to incorporate in the get it hot and get it over with repertoire. How have we dared live this long without our machines?

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