About a week ago, I placed an ad on Craigslist for a new job opportunity. A private prison security guard. The catch? You will make what the prisoners do.

Below is the ad and my subsequent correspondence with an applicant.

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He wasn’t.

Abolish Private Prisons.


Hey Senator Graham, we should totally bang. I am a young, sprightly Republican boy. I have all the trappings of youth (smooth face, tight b-hole) with none of that pesky idealism to get in the way of letting you absolutely tear me apart like medicare.

Senator Graham — can I call you Lindsey?

Lindsey. I want to be the glass of milk to your Graham Cracker.

You can call me “Big Government” in the bedroom because I’ll do all the work while you just lay there.

I’m super discreet, like all the oil companies that finance your campaigns. And just like them, I’m always exploring. Exploring new ways to pleasure you, that is (:

Linds. I know that you are a childless 65 year old man who has never been married and attends a baptist church. So its obvious you hate yourself. But I know you’ll love me.


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Humanity is facing an invisible foe. One that takes people suddenly and makes the ones who remain wonder, “what is this all for?” And that is why I love a western novel. The enemies are visible — tornadoes and wolves. And as for the question, “what is this all for?” The answer is simple. “We are going that way.”

West. We are going west. Get on your horse, man. There is no time to contemplate the fairness of capitalism. Comanches are coming out of those woods and they are justifiably pissed.

Yes, the system is changing rapidly, and the old way of life might die, but you must pull that arrow out of your leg. Then you got to pour gunpowder into the wound. Then you got to light it on fire, so you do not have to saw your leg off. …

About

Davidson Boswell

I am a stand up comic and writer living in Brooklyn. Instagram is @davidsonboswell

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