The Bathroom Scale

Some people believe that you live your life day by day.

Others say it’s more like step by step.

In the famous 2001 action thriller The Fast & The Furious, shapely American actor Vin Diesel goes so far as to say that he lives life a quarter mile at a time, and that nothing else matters.

Whatever works for you.

But for me it is different.

For me, I believe life is lived in bathroom breaks, and underpinned by life’s biggest question…

Where is the nearest toilet?

The problem with having to go to the bathroom all the time, is not actually the going to the bathroom bit. That’s fine…Part of nature and all that.

The problem is one of logistics.

Because when you have to go the bathroom all the time life becomes a journey between one toilet to the next.

Yes there are moments in between, some of them are amazing, truly special. Times at work, times with friends, times with loved ones. Dinners, drinks, parties — but this is just the stuff in the middle for me.

Because they usually take place in the short amount of time after one bathroom break, and before the small and polite warning one’s body gives them when it’s time to start thinking about the next one.

For me that window is about 37 minutes. 37 minutes of pure clarity that I imagine frequenters of Heroin might enjoy after they score or do a hit or however the expression goes.

For example if I’m going to a party, whilst there may be some excitement building in my stomach, it quickly turns into another feeling building in my stomach.

A feeling that says hey guy, you’d better go to the bathroom before you get there.

And then as I ring the doorbell starts thinking, I wonder what the toilet situation is like, will there be a nice place to duck off? And what about after the party? Is the Uber ride home far? I hope we’re not going to a dive bar afterwards.

And oh yes, you’ll meet people and you can chat, but it’s often asking things like “do you know where the nearest bathroom is?” and “oh yes I am holding some loo role, but it’s part of my look, isn’t fashion changing so fast?”

I don’t go to many parties.

There’s also the problem of work.

Whilst I don’t sit terribly close to the bathroom there are many colleagues of mine that do. Colleagues that I happen to make eye contact with on the way there, and then roughly 8 minutes later on the way back.

Whilst it may just be an over excited imagination or perfectly normal human paranoia, I fear they may be tracking me in some way or another…

As I walk by they think “hey wasn’t he in there already today?” turning to their other colleagues to smile, or using me as some kind of weird time piece to tell them they’ve been working on their presentation for too long. Wait, “37 minute windows X 8 minutes in there. Time to change slides Janet.” Or making formulas that at some time in the near future scientists will use to calculate the time difference on Mars. Or tracking me on Microsoft Excel for a year and making charts about my bathroom visits, and then showing them to upper management.

I just don’t trust these people and it’s making it hard for me to make friends at work.

But whether it’s step by step, quarter mile by quarter mile, or bathroom to bathroom you have to find what works for you.

But that’s about all I have to say about that, I’d better just pop off to the bathroom.