Another Modest Proposal

Right now, he’s simultaneously reorganizing the White House and solving the eons-long crisis in the mideast. But with North Korea firing off a missile that can land a nuke in Sarah Palin’s lap, we need Jared out there more than ever!

But how can even this superhuman problem-solver be in so many places at once?

Look, I know the current administration and the majority of congress is staunchly antiscience--I mean who wouldn't be in today's day and age? But if we are to have any hope in solving all of our country's problems, we are going to have to mobilize the few scientific minds left in Washington to do what has up until now been unthinkable.

We must clone Jared Kushner.

I know what has to be going through your mind right now. "Cloning goes against everything God and nature has ever intended." And you'd be right. I mean, just check the Bible (the real one, not the 'old' testament). Nowhere in it does Jesus ever mention cloning. But these exceptional times call for exceptional measures.

So we need to clone the president's son-in-law; in effect, spreading his genius and political acumen wherever and whenever it's needed without having to ponder the time-space conundrum of having to be in 2 or more places at once. In my model, we can deploy a veritable army of Jareds to solve the world's problems by sometime next Tuesday.

But why stop there? Why not replicate this ubermench's DNA geometrically so that all upper middle and upper class families (i.e. those that can actually afford health care in the new world order) can have a Jared of their very own. He can resolve family conflicts, fix those sticky tax audit issues or even just replace the family Roomba™. And obtaining your Jared will be as easy as enabling 1-click ordering on your account.

If Jeff Bezos ever pays those pesky internet taxes, of course.

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