MovieWatch 2017: Sometimes Movies Aren’t Always Good

Recently I have written about 3 movies (Get Out, John Wick: Chapter 2, Logan) that were excellent. But within the last few days I’ve seen 3 movies that are the exact opposite of that. I thought 2017 was going to be a great year for movies, especially since most of 2016 was so-so at times.

Quick Review and thought on Kong: Skull Island

Kong: Skull Island is the second film in Legendary Entertainment MonsterVerse, the cinematic universe that has the least amount of my attention. The 2014 version of Godzilla was the first building block in a franchise that is set up to give us the colossal matchup of King Kong vs Godzilla. Godzilla 2014 is an excellently directed movie but at times can be little slow and methodical. It takes itself seriously and does a good job trying to explain how a giant lizard monster the twice the size of a skyscraper is possible in a real world. Kong: Skull Island is the opposite of that. The consensus is that the film is loud and dumb but enjoyable, which is true. Kong aims to have more fun than Godzilla which is evident by the cast by the cast alone (John C. Reilly, Jason Mitchell, Thomas Mann tend to provide the most humor in the film) but also by the blaring of classic rock, which occurs often and for some reason is always turned on by someone in the movie instead of being dropped in post. Kong’s goal is to be a blockbuster of years past aka no superheroes required and it looks like one. There’s talent-rich cast: you got King of Tumblr Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, Samuel L. Jackson (he’s literally in everything), John Goodman (he’s also in literally everything), Shea Wigham, Toby Kebbell, Dr. Dre & Eazy E (I’ll always see Corey Hawkins and Jason Mitchell as those two) Marc Evan Jackson (the most underrated actor alive) and John C. Reilly who steals the movie. Quick side note Michael Keaton and J.K. Simmons were originally supposed to be in the movie, I assume Keaton was going to play the role of Randa the head of Monarch while Simmons would star as the mad driven General Packard. Goodman went on to play Randa and SLJ portrays Packard but it got me wondering, “What if Simmons played the role of Packard and SLJ played Fletcher in Whiplash?” (“Were you rushing or were you dragging muthafucka?!) A dumb plot: There’s an island like the Bermuda Triangle but not the Bermuda Triangle where mysterious things might be, so team consisting of soldiers, scientists, a photographer and a handsome guy must find out what’s there. There’s massive explosions, cool visual effects, etc. This is a blockbuster directed by someone who probably grew up watching the big blockbusters of the 80s & 90s.

Before seeing Kong: Skull Island I rewatched two movies, the first before Godzilla 2014 just to refresh on the connected universe that Legendary is trying to build but also to compare it against KSI. The second film I watched was Jurassic World because I felt there was similarities between KSI and Jurassic World. The directors started at as Indy filmmakers who have now been anointed the next coming of Spielberg or the directors of the future. They started out small and have been handed these valuable pieces of IP that “need” rebooting. And so far they’ve done alright jobs. (You could throw Godzilla’s Gareth Edwards in here as well) I enjoyed Jurassic World more than KSI but the’re almost exactly the same (also have the same Rotten Tomatoes score) Overall KSI is a summer blockbuster that is losing it’s place film. This movie came out in March to some fanfare but if it was 15 years ago it’d be the most hyped movie of the summer. It’s also tough to have a movie that is centered around humans facing off against a giant CGI creature when there are movies like Logan and John Wick: Chapter 2 out because those are “real” people murcing everything insight. Sure you can match the giant CGI creature against another CGI creature but that tends to be dizzying at times. Overall KSI is a decent time are the movies, the action is barely enough to satisfy you while the performance by Reilly and sometimes Sam Jackson as he goes full Captain Ahab, is what drives the film. I wasn’t able to see the end credits scene (I had to pee, really bad) that teased the appearance of Godzilla along with other monsters but it sounds like this cinematic universe is starting to pickup a little. But again I’m still not feeling this, KSI suffers from the same problem that Godzilla 2014 had, boring human characters and their involvement in the story. At least in KSI they throw in some laughs even when it’s not necessarily needed. On Twitter I alluded to Godzilla 2014 being like the sibling who takes them-self so serious and tries to impress everyone by doing a nice job all the time. While Kong: Skull Island is the loud sibling who throws parties all time but deep down wants to impress everyone as well. Did Kong: Skull Island suck? No, but it wasn’t great either. (However I respect the movie for having a sequence where Tom Hiddleston goes apeshit with a samurai sword. Most movies nowadays don’t have swords. MOVIES NEED SWORDS) Also I did not watch the 2005 version of King Kong aka Peter Jackson’s King Kong because I hate the film even though I’ve only seen the first 20 minutes. Every other Saturday night for weeks my younger brother would choose this as the movie to fall to watch before bedtime and I always fell asleep as they reached the island. I’ve had no desire to go back and possibly change this opinion.

Quick Review and thoughts on XXX: The Return of Xander Cage

As a kid I remember seeing the trailer for the first XXX movie and I was in awe of it. It was everything a kid could want in a movie and I frequently recreated it with my action figures. The film was released in 2002 a year after The Fast and the Furious and the world was slowly being taken over by one Vin Diesel. The first XXX seemed to have a lot in common with The Fast and the Furious; same lead star, same producer, same director, all of which makes sense since the first FF movie was a success (even though know saw it lasting potentially 9 more movies). Hell even the demographic was the same, 13–40 year old males who like fast muscle cars, big guns & explosions, and barely clothed women. That was the formula for Vin Diesel’s breakout into Hollywood superstardom. But with the rejuvenation of the Fast and Furious franchise back in 2011 Vin Diesel added a secret ingredient to that formula and it turned the FF franchise from barely a blockbuster to global phenomenon. That secret ingredient is diversity. The FF franchise has people of all color from different countries so their films look more real and make more money. (movies aren’t just released in America you know) I bring up this formula because it’s the reason why XXX: The Return of Xander Cage was made. Let’s face it after the failure of XXX: State of the Union (I liked it because there are some cool action scenes and who doesn’t love Ice Cube. BTW fuck this movie for giving away the Ice Cube cameo in the trailer. I’m not one of those people who bitch about trailers spoiling movies but I this case that was stupid) no one was clamoring for more XXX movies. And Vin Diesel was interested in making movies that were not FF movies, which is why he returned for Fast and Furious back in 2009 because he was getting his ass kicked at the box office. And since then he’s made bank except with movies that aren’t FF movies. Vin has to realize that the FF franchise is the only time we wanna see him. He’s become synonymous with Dominic Toretto, not Riddick and certainly not Xander Cage.

I hated Xander Cage from the moment it started and there are very few things to like about the movie in general. It’s poorly directed action scenes and shitty dialogue drive me nuts. Not too mention that Toni Colette is in it and I despise Toni Colette (have you ever hated someone just because of a role they played in a movie? Well I have hated Toni Colette since About a Boy) she ruined any chance of me liking this movie. And this movie has both Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa, who to my knowledge have never fought and the movie blows that chance by putting them on the same team (Tony Jaa would win btw). Also it could’ve had Conor McGregor in it but unfortunately/fortunately he declined to focus on the Nate Diaz rematch (and I’m glad he did). So maybe I was never meant to enjoy this movie, especially since I saw the saw the trailer in which Diesel’s cage does insane tricks on a old school skateboard (as the son of a former skateboarder this was infuriating). If Kong: Skull Island is dumb then The Return of Xander Cage is fucking stupid. I just want to get rid of anything I remembered from the movie so this isn’t a review as much as a bashing. The movie was strictly made for overseas, hence the casting of Yen, Jaa, Deepika Padukone, and Kris Wu. But then they thought let’s cast some people from mainstream tv shows Rory McCann (Game of Thrones) and Ruby Rose (Orange is the New Black. How about athletes because after Trainwreck they’re all secretly great actors which leads to Tony Gonzalez (NFL), Michael Bisping (UFC) and fucking Neymar (soccer/futbol) being more than involved at times. They would cast anyone and everyone to make this movie marketable. Everything about this movie is fake, it was meant to be a Nike commercial not a 90 minute film. Say what you want about the first XXX (and even the second) but it’s certainly better than this. So please Vin Diesel stick to Fast and Furious movies . (And voice acting)

Quick Review and thoughts on Fifty Shades Darker

First off I watched this on my own volition and that was a terrible choice. I had previously seen Fifty Shades of Grey back in 2015, also on my volition just because I was curious. My reason for watching Fifty Shades Darker was to kill time before I had to go to work (also add more movies to my 2017 list and once again I was curious just to see how bad this was). Let me tell you something Fifty Shades of Grey is better than Fifty Shades Darker but that’s like saying the 49ers were better than the Browns this past season. They both sucked but the Niners had at least one more win. But I will say that both films are well shot, the amazing pictures that the directors have created are subsequently ruined by the horrendous dialogue acted out by Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, who give definition to incompatible that it’s shocking that they somehow passed the chemistry testing (I bet there was no testing since Dornan had to fill in for Charlie Hunham, who smartly left this dumpster-fire of a franchise before it started shooting. However part of me still wondered what he would’ve looked like in the role of Christian Grey, but I don’t harp on it too much). I big takeaway from this awful viewing experience was the sex scenes and by sex scenes I mean the ones that I did not watch because I saw the film through other means of movie watching (if you know what I mean) The reason for my not being able to see what anyone with an Internet connection and knowledge of spelling the word porn could see for free was because the version of Fifty Shades Darker that I had Asian subtitles. They might’ve been Japanese (I watch Japanese wrestling so I could assume the symbols looked familiar) which would explain why the sex scenes were skipped over entirely in the version of the film (did I just allude to me watching porn because I dropped that little tidbit, hey I’m a 22 year old guy and anyone who says they don’t watch porn is full of shit) but I’m not aware of which Asian countries censor sex in film soooooooo.

I’m not really interested in talking about the plot of the movie because it’s garbage (I’m mean seriously my viewing experience is more interesting) so don’t expect a review. They only thing I really want to discuss is that Christian Grey is the worst person in cinema history. He’s a billionaire with a troubled upbringing that doesn’t become a superhero (seriously this guy is Bruce Wayne if Wayne was more interested in BDSM than becoming Batman, Grey is BDSMan) and is a douche bag. In the film he literally says that he makes $24,000 every 15 minutes (FUCK THIS GUY). And then there’s all the BDSM, controlling women shit that the film tries to say is because of his past but maybe it’s because he’s a rich asshole who needs something to get off. Sure Johnson’s Anastasia isn’t the poster-women for feminism because she takes back Christian after he hurts her (both emotionally and physically) but hey he’s rich and can give her everything so kudos to her for realizing that. (I may not be the smartest person to talk about feminism FYI) I was genuinely happy when Fifty Shades Darker ended, not because this awful movie was finally over (I could’ve stopped it at any moment if I wanted too) but because there was a sneak peak for the third and final film of the franchise Fifty Shades Freed and I was somewhat hooked for a minute or two. Because I love trailers and this looked amazing in such an awful way. However my main focus was the film’s release date, 2018, (as I’m writing this I’m realizing that it’s 2017 so the release date now makes sense because they shot the films back to back. I thought it was still 2016 and that Fifty Shades Freed was 2 years away ,which would be a huge mistake since the film wasn’t as successful as the first one in terms of box office success and critical opinion (however both Fifty films have made more than both John Wick films combined. This is why America is a mess.) Will I watch Fifty Shades Freed? Probably, because I want to finish this awful ride that I willingly signed up for. I genuinely believe that I will not see a movie worse than Fifty Shade Darker this year (a film released in 2017). Also FSD made me realize certain movies that I haven’t watched yet but should, movies like Ex Machina, There Will Be Blood, etc. But hey you can’t appreciate some sunny days without a few rainy ones, or in my case snowy days.

The movies next on my radar are the Power Rangers reboot, and the live action Ghost in the Shell film and there’s a pretty good chance that both of those films follow the pattern of the movies reviewed here than the ones I mentioned at the start. Then again we’re barely a quarter into 2017 and most of the films that I’m hyped for (The Fate of the Furious, Spider-Man: Homecoming, The Mummy reboot, etc.) have yet to come out. Also thanks to the trailers for Atomic Blonde, Baby Driver there’s a greater chance that 2017 will be great…at least for movies.