Simon ~ I seriously think that if what you are writing each day is true and not fiction , then you need to talk to someone that can help you find answers to your numerous questions. You have placed your whole heart and soul outside for all to see and that is a good thing. I really do believe in the quote I have by my profile , “ Your silence will not protect you!” which was written and spoken many times by Audre Lorde who was an activist for many causes back in the late sixties and early seventies. She was a black immigrant from the Caribbean who came hear with her parents from Grenada when she was just a child . She was a black girl child during civil rights issues and she was foreign and poor . But, she was rich in spirit and had plenty of love and stories of her homeland traditions to build her strength in who her people were and she knew their strengths. She was too a bisexual black woman which back then was even more unacceptable. In her culture in Grenada it was natural . Men would go out on boats for sometimes months to years to get spices for them and other foods . The women were left alone for so long that they would take a female partner. They were called Zamis . When the men returned some of the women did not give up being Zamis. Then some husbands had to work their way back into the women’s good grace again. Some women kept both and it was considered natural.
Audre Lorde was also raped when she was in school . She suffered many confusing situations. Throughout her life she fought to become stronger and acted as a voice for all of those she represented . She encouraged women’s rights, Civil Rights, bisexual rights, foreign immigrant’s rights, , etc… she was proud of who she was because she could accept herself and had no secrets . She had a voice to encourage others to not stay silent . What is the point of being silent about things that bother you when they just lock you in your self made prison and allow others to have control over you. Only you and the God who created you should have any control over you. Just remember your choices have consequences. These consequences affect everything you do afterwards and they affect the lives of others too. If you need help making decisions it never hurts to talk to a neutral individual that can help you. You do not have to be sure there is a God to talk to a Priest . A good minister or Priest will listen and advise you if he can or he will find the right resources for you .
Now, your family, is something different as well as work. Because I can only see your side of the your story or your point of view , I can’t objectively suggest anything but what I have said above. You may be feeling so down on yourself that everything you hear from anyone sounds negative to you. You may not be able to think rationally because you are so depressed chemically in your brain . You do know that there are certain chemicals in your brain that change your moods from sad , happy, or desperately anxious and scared and paranoid . In this case , stress can cause this or it could be some other physical reason. Medicine and talk therapy in confidence can positively help if you give it a chance. There is always hope , Simon . Also, believe it or not , there are always going to be some people out there in this world that will take the time to care enough to try to help you. I may not have experienced your same problems to feel your pain but I have felt this pain of being isolated, alone and totally hopelessness. I was finally forced to get the help from a stranger who was a professional who helped me find my way back to me ; the real me . The person I was when younger and always tried to be who got lost along the way because I too was broken by trusting too much in people. People are not perfect and if you are a wonderful compassionate hard working person then you are probably being taken for granted . But, you have two choices , you can decide to be thought of like the losers around you or you can choose to be the person you really are that cares about what you do and be nice and always give 100% to everything you decide to pursue.
I hope that I helped . I will pray for you whether you are a believer or not.
Good Luck and keep me Updated…