Will She or Won’t She…
Warm. Kind. Familiar. Comfortable, yet anxiety inducing. In 2019 I met a woman who represented the aforementioned words. This woman had been so intoxicating. From her smile, to her laugh, to the way her eyes seemed to light up when she saw me. The way she would make a point to greet me whether it be early in the morning or half-way through the work day. Even if I went out of my way to avoid her; she’d find her way to appear in front of me. I was entranced. Listen, I am not someone who’s into astrology, but finding out that we share a zodiac sign sent literal goosebumps down my arms.
Work became a bit more interesting as the years passed. In 2019 we began an acquaintanceship, being work friendly. During the first half of 2020 we barely saw each other for we worked on different floors. Then COVID hit and we were quarantined. Then during the second half of 2020 we were back to in-person work. This is when things shifted. Around December was when things moved from an acquaintanceship to a closer friendship. I was switching jobs towards the end of January 2021, this is when she insisted that we exchange numbers to keep in touch. I stayed at the new job for 2 months, then went back to my previous workplace. When I informed her of this, she expressed excitement to see me again on a daily basis.
Now here is where things have begun to get interesting. April 2021 I returned to my workplace. She welcomed me with a hug and that dashing smile. From April to June, she would stop by my office occasionally to chat. If I ordered coffee I would invite her for some. If I found an interesting video on TikTok, I would share with her either via text or in person. During summer, when she would visit the workplace, if we had a meeting, she would purposefully sit next to me, disregarding the empty seats in the room.
Then August rolled in, this was the time when I contracted COVID-19 which left me quarantined for the whole month. During this time, she would reach out to see how I was doing, which I found sweet and caring. Upon my return to work, something again had changed. We were no longer just waving hello from across the hall or holding brief conversations. We took to texting more, talking more in person, finding time for each other in each others workspace. I would stay later to help her with things when she had a lot on her plate. We would vent to each other about our work days and the people we interacted with throughout the day.
We got to the point where I believed that I should come out to her before we got closer. I was shaking with nerves, my thumbs kept double pressing on the keyboard on my phone as I typed out “…so I thought I should tell you that I am pansexual, if that makes you uncomfortable then I understand…”. After I sent the message I chucked my phone on my bed and began to overthink. So. Much. Overthinking. After what felt like an eternity, in actuality was 5 minutes, the response came. “Why would that make me uncomfortable…”. Relief. That’s what I felt in the moment. Relief, but also hopeful. See by now I have developed some romantic feelings for her. My daily thoughts consist of the following: What I would give to be able to hold her in my arms, hold her hand as we walk down the street, share intimate and intellectual moments together.
With that said, you’d think by now I would know if she was interested in me or not. That is nowhere near where I am at. I have received mix signals from her on many occasions both over text and in person. From seemly jealous demeanor and comments to flirty messages with questionable emojis. The slight brushes on my arm, closeness when talking in person, and the stares. The stares. Whether it be from across the hall to across the room. She will stare at me until I acknowledge her presence. Now this has been something that my friends at work have also noticed and commented on.
But as soon as I mention another coworker (whom I am also slightly close with but not in the same way) her face will either fall if she was smiling or go she will go all stoic. For example, during our Holiday Party at work I was conversing with some coworkers, when I went to line up at the buffet, there she was. She was in conversation with another coworker, who I get along great by the way. Once I greeted them, she made sure to comment that she had already greeted me but I seemed to have been in deep conversation that I didn’t hear her. As the night went on, we’d catch each others eyes from across the room. We were sitting at different tables. We had a mingling break and I went to speak with the previous coworker again. When I look up what do I see, her seating at my table… looking over at me… slightly pouting. I just laughed in disbelief that we just kept missing each other.
We have briefly communicated over the holiday break, but have both been busy with family and travels. We return to work on January 2022. I am curious to see how this year will play out.
— — Until next time — —