Pain vs Pleasure: The Kevin Hart Syndrome

“You never know your level of underachieving until you see what overachieving looks like: And the valedictorian is Doug Wallace… And the most valuable player is Doug Wallace… And the most likely to succeed is Doug Wallace… Each time, everyone in the audience, especially Mr. and Mrs. Wallace thinks “Goddamn, that Doug, he’s gonna make something out of himself.” This was my experience at our swim team graduation banquet. Though there were other underachievers in school like myself, the kids on the swim team were superstars. But every dog has his day.” — Kevin Hart.

This is because no matter where you are or what you’re doing, if you’re with the fun guy, you’re gonna have a good time. You could be sitting in an empty room watching television with the fun guy, and it could be one of the best nights of your life. You could go out for a cup of coffee with the fun guy and end up laughing more in one hour than you have all year. Even if you’re doing your laundry with the fun guy, it’s gonna be a great time because he knows the secret to life.

You want to know what the secret is? It’s two words: Have Fun! You can close the book now. Thank you for reading. Good night.

Or you can wait a little to find out how I lost my virginity, because otherwise a couple weeks from now, there may be a knock on your door, and a man in a suit may be standing there and saying: “For one million bucks, tell me how Kevin Hart lost his virginity” — And you will not know the answer. It would be a shame to lose that much money because you decided not to finish the book.

Besides I lost my virginity twice.

Her name was Angie.

I Cant Make This Up by Kevin Hart.

“My life began with one of the biggest lies men tell women: I’ll pull out, I promise.” — Kevin Hart.

OH IT’S DUH CHOCOLATE DROPPA! DOH! While Kevin Hart and Homer Simpson may not appear to have much in common, think again. Both men are astute family men. Unfortunately, both families can be dysfunctional and wild as hell like when Bart Simpson skateboarded naked across Springfield in that first Simpsons film. Which brings us to the third commonality. Male genitalia. Kevin Hart talks about his father’s long dick, swinging inside his sweatpants. Kevin Hart talks about not being able to grow pubic hair, until age eighteen. Kevin Hart talks about banging Angie in subzero temperatures like he was Sub-Zero from Mortal Combat. Kev and Angie apparently had on those Fubu jackets and did it in the snow, outside an old lady’s home who just happened to be Kevin Hart’s babysitter. And why does Kevin Hart need a babysitter at fourteen or sixteen or however old Kevin Hart was when Kevin Hart banged Angie not once but twice? Outside. In front of an old lady’s house. Sub-Zero. Mortal Combat. Banging Angie twice. Actually, Angie got on top so maybe she banged Kevin Hart twice, instead of the other way around. Man, that Angie never knew what she was hitting at the time. Twice. 2x.

I Can’t Make This Up by Kevin Hart is basically stand up in book format. While I won’t spoil the book here, except for the first handful of pages, it’s worth the hard earned monies you’ve worked your entire life for, the hard earned money that you can give to Kevin Hart. Give it to him. Give it to him hard. Like Angie. The best kinds of books are the ones from powerful people, who don’t need to write books but do anyway. So what genre is I Can’t Make This Up? The cover makes you think it’s a Think Like A Man romance novel with an abundance of caramel, cream, and dark chocolate colored men with Meagan Good (Wooo!) and that one white guy too. The book’s motivational headers before chapters will have you think it’s some college philosophy course, Immanuel Kant and Socrates and Aristotle and stuff like that. I remember reading Nostradamus in high school and getting all scared, scared as F***, the dink shrinkage type of scared, thinking it’s all gonna go down like that. Next day I did a presentation on Nostradamus, and all the girls looked disturbed while all the boys laughed. Sit your ass down. I had hoped it would be the other way around. Anyways, if you read the book you’ll only come to one conclusion…

It’s a horror book in disguise.

Not for children. Or women. Or people who have never been to prison before.

“Let me explain how I became an international superstar in Canada. Well for one week at least, and not actually all of Canada, and not really a superstar, but they did mention me in the papers so that’s gotta count for something.” — Kevin Hart.

Deprivation. Darkness. Discipline. Talent and skill is not the human default, and for whatever reason people at the top of their crafts come from rough backgrounds, turbulent upbringings, and undesirable childhoods. Dyslexic entrepreneurs dominate the business landscape, because their lack of book smarts and academic skills lead to over-compensation on social skills. The music composer Hans Zimmer grew up in a broken household, who played instruments as a way to cope with his mother’s sadness, playing instruments for hours and hours because there was nothing else to do. Bill Gates learned computers because… He wasn’t getting any ass anytime soon. And athletes like Michael Jordan and Terrell Owens grew up in very strict environments, where parents took away free time, didn’t let them play with other kids. It directly or indirectly lead to their work ethics. Terrell Owens’ grandmother wouldn’t let TO play outside with other kids, while Michael Jordan had a coach in high school practicing one hour before classes started, everyday in the mornings. No quitting. For Kevin Hart, darkness doesn’t just mean his Chocolate Droppa rap alter-ego, but literal darkness of the hood. Broken windows. Gang beatings. Robbery. Pit Bulls on a chained leash. Jail. Prison. And the strict regiment of deprivation that got him out.

One of the greatest quotes of all time, is the one by Antonin Artaud on hell. “No one has ever written, painted, sculpted, molded, built, or invented except to literally escape hell.” If someone’s childhood was easy growing up, if things were easily given to them, if they never had to work for anything, there would be no reason to try hard at anything. There’s a story of Kevin Hart’s dad, who comes home one day dripping wet in blood, bloodied by a meat cleaver or axe, walking in normal into the home like it was a good day’s work. Blood soaked towels wrapped around the head, “just gotta go lie down for a minute”, Spoon Hart tells his son. The book talks about Spoon’s degeneration from an honest working electrician/mechanic/carpenter, to a man falling into robbery, theft, prison, and homelessness. Spoon Hart was called in for a broken refrigerator, and upon arrival told the repairman there “Move outta my way.” The fridge guy had already been there working on the fridge for two hours, before Spoon shooed him away. The repairman returns with an axe and starts chopping up Spoon, meat cleaver Grand Theft Auto Vice City Tommy Verceti style, because Spoon took the work away…

At the time, just like every other kid, I looked up to Michael Jordan. He wore compression shorts underneath basketball shorts, so some of the kids on my team began dressing that way. I made the mistake of saying to my mom “For Christmas, I wanna get those basketball tights that go underneath your shorts, like Michael Jordan.” “That’s it? That’s all you want for Christmas Kev?”. When Christmas rolled around, there was a small package waiting for me under our miniature tree. I tore open the gift wrap and saw… Girls tights. They were spandex and not even remotely close to what Michael Jordan wore. “What kinda tights are those Kev?” one of my teammates asked? “Those definitely ain’t for basketball, that’s for sure.” — Kevin Hart.

The book talks about Hart’s mom’s rules, and Hart’s dad’s lack of rules. When Kevin has enough of mom’s house rules, which by any measure of objectivity (a.k.a. white people because my grandpa whooped me with a bamboo stick) mother gave Kevin some good ol’ fashioned child abuse. Belts, frying pans, hot wheel plastic tracks, and occasionally knives. When Kevin Hart’s older brother got caught with his drug stash cash, mother Hart raised a frying pan at him. When he ran away from home, mother Hart grabbed not one but many knives and literally threw them at him in rage. There’s also another story of Hart and his older brother playing basketball, except Spoon Hart challenges the older brother (Kenneth) to a game. Spoon had no athletic ability, but played real dirty to the point of intimidating Kenneth. The older brother still wins easily, but Spoon Hart comes back ten minutes later with a pit bull. Now, not just any pit bull, but one trained by Spoon to go after old women so Spoon could steal their purses. Spoon releases the leash, as the pit bull runs after both Kenneth and Kevin. The boys jump on a fence, as Spoon laughs saying the dog won’t bite. Spoon Hart later talks about showing his boys tough love, exposing them to the streets, etc. That’s just too much right there, what kind of dad releases a pit bull on his own kids?

Kevin Hart gets no respite from his mom, who signs Hart for swimming teams. To learn how to swim? No. Basically, mom gave Hart no free time to hang out with gangs, get into trouble, like the older brother did. She also figured swim competitors were good influences, since they never got into trouble and did well in school. Kevin Hart’s mom, Nancy, also doesn’t believe in any form of transportation that’s not public. She could’ve been a mathematician or maybe some scientist person figuring out nuclear codes, the way she memorized all of Philadelphia’s Septa. Going to the mall to buy nice stuff, which was too rare in the Hart household, took like 6–7 hours of planning one way, since some of the buses rarely ran late at night. It’s a dark phase in Kevin’s life, except it’s not even a phase… More like a complete adolescence of despair. Yet there is value in the hardships, such as getting baby sat by an old woman as other kids got all the free time and fun. Hart talks about using deception, manipulation, humor, empathy, and most of all the gift of laughter, on his old babysitter, so she wouldn’t say bad things to mom A.K.A. severe whoopings. That skill set gave Kevin an unfair advantage in stand-up. The regiment of having no free time as a kid, also helps Kevin out today when it comes to all busy busy of Kevin Hart’s promotions, tours, shows, etc.

Hart talks about visiting his father’s home, free of his mother’s dictatorship. Kevin thinks he’s finally done with mom, until stepping foot at the apartment complex of his father. Broken windows. Random strangers in the apartment doing all sorts of drugs, when Kevin walks in, he steps in feces from either the dogs, the cats, the snakes, or the rats in the place. The greatest rewards in life come from family, friends, and the sense of accomplishment of knowing you took the harder path, the path less traveled.

I really resonated with this one.

Chocolate Droppa.

It’s easy to complain about your life — how tough it is, how unfair it is, how stressful it is, how everyone else has it much better. But if you step into the life of someone you envy for a day, you will discover everyone has their own problems.

And they’re usually worse than yours.

Because your problems are designed specifically for you, with the specific purpose of helping you grow. Experiencing a lifestyle without structure, discipline, values, strictness, and work ethic taught me to appreciate them a little more.

— Kevin Hart.

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Mark Namkoong Life+Times

Written by

Drawing and drafting board for the imagination.

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