What If They Made The Basketball Into A Cube? Hmmm…
This one is for talking about things in basketball, that you shouldn’t be talking about.
Forbidden things.
Some things are better left unsaid.
But then again, the game of basketball was built on defensive communication. Such as when Carmelo Anthony would point at people on defense and say “Hey, you got him.” Then Melo would say “You got him too.” Then Amare would say “Nahh I don’t got him, somebody else got him.” Then Jeremy Lin would say “Man, I don’t got time for this I need to get my Harvard money. I’ll play defense next time.” Then coach Mike D’Antoni would say “Everybody hang around the half court line, wait for the pass, and Tyson you play defense and rebound. We need you.”
— When the New York Knicks were kind of good.
Late at night my imagination always runs wild.
These things usually revolve around inventing teleportation, walking across the bottom of the seafloor, and basketball.
For example, what about a clear basketball?
That’s one of the things I don’t think humans are capable of inventing. Imagine a clear colored basketball, that would zoom past somewhat invisible, where you would have to try extra hard on defense to see.
Imagine Joel Embiid raising his arms, with his black mask, getting turned around on defense, wondering “Where did this basketball go? I can’t see it!”
Imagine Rip Hamilton and Ray Allen going at it back in the day, with Rip’s clear mask assassinating three pointers with a clear basketball.
“Does Rip actually have the basketball?”
“No I don’t think so.”
“Yeah he does! I see his fingers wrapped around it!”
But then Rip would just raise his arms, then the net would just swish. Then you would have Ron Artest or Tim Duncan bending over, asking the ref “Where did this damn ball go?” for the inbound.
That’s one of the “more normal” rule changes.
I don’t think that’s humanly possible, though.
Humans can do things, but invent a clear colored basketball… I’m willing to put the 150 bucks of life savings in my wallet right now, because no way that can be engineered. No way.
The other rule changes are borrowed from the NHL.
I never played basketball on any level, meaning I actually find it difficult to dribble a basketball.
I’ve tried.
The thing is just so big, what if you shrunk the basketball half its size, like a softball or maybe just a bit bigger.
I played ice hockey from 1st grade to 12th grade, the thing about that sport is that it punishes you for going against the rules. You actually sit in jail, instead of flags or fouls, you’re locked in basically, bulletproof glass.
Chapo Guzman would have never escaped the NHL Penalty Box, those guys in Alcatraz would have never escaped the NHL Penalty Box.
Monopoly style.
I don’t think an actual WWE Elimination Chamber kind of structure is needed in the NBA, but just make people sit in the corner by themselves for a minute after each foul surrounded by fans. Or next to the opposing bench.
Something like that.
Brings fan interaction to a whole ‘nother level.
Other rule changes I’ve thought of include basically, instead of fouling out of a game…You can still play but you pay a price. Monopoly style. Let’s say Amare Stoudemire fouls out. He can still play, but for every second he plays after, two points are eliminated from his career line.
And if you overdraw, you enter the next game owing points to the league.
So someone like Kobe would have unlimited fouls.
Or some serious shirts vs. skins basketball, where after each foul, the player must take off one item of clothing.
But…
The person getting fouled gets to decide. Remember when Robert Horry hip checked Steve Nash in the 2007 Western Conference Semifinals? Dirty play. Dirty. Remember when Steve Nash popped his broken nose back into place?
After that, imagine Nash saying “Take off his pants. I want him to take off his pants! Serves you right Horry!”
Or they could just put that into the next Space Jam sequel…
The Number 1 Pick In The NBA Draft? Bully Season.
When I saw DeAndre Ayton dunk in Eugene this winter, that was all that needed to be said. It was the game that sold me. I don’t think people outside the West Coast know how skilled Ayton is.
Much more polished, than Dwight Howard as rookie.
Much more polished, than Hassan Whiteside is now.
Much more polished, than Andrew Bynum ever was.
I’m not a scout, but I was only watching this guy’s feet. You can throw it in there, the guy can score for himself. Faster than every center he faced. Faster than every power forward he faced. Bigger than both. The guy can explode like Howard in the prime Orlando years. The year Howard beat LeBron in the Eastern Conference Finals surrounded by three point shooters.
That’s the model.
Phoenix is getting Amare Stoudemire, except the full blown center version who can do the things that Shawn Marion, Stoudemire, and Nash did in the late 2000s, except can defend like Alonzo Mourning.
Just watching this guy run on that floor in Eugene, Oregon.
Three steps from the three point line to the rim.
I haven’t cared about the NBA draft in years, nothing against the players over the years, but this guy… And the guy next year… DeAndre Ayton how much stronger will he get in two, three years? I’m just worried the Suns might trick themselves with “ooooh analytics” and do something dumb here. You got the number pick to pick the biggest and strongest man since Ewing.
And Shaq’s left thighs.
I lived in Phoenix in 2014 and 2015, that Suns fan base is in the top 5 in NBA. That place needs basketball again, don’t mess this up.
And uhhhh, this guy did play at Arizona. Makes a nice story, cherry on top.
DeAndre Ayton. RJ Barrett.
They will change the landscape of the NBA.
Giannis Antetokounmpo just met his greatest equal.
You know who my favorite player in the NBA is?
He’s not in the NBA.
He’s not even in college basketball.
Growing up in the west coast, you’re fortunate to see guys like Russell Westbrook, James Harden, before they became who they are. I keep saying over and over, but the greatest NCAA college basketball team I’ve seen (in my lifetime) were the Kentucky Wildcats with John Wall and Boogie Cousins.
They didn’t win it.
But to me, they still are the greatest Kentucky team when you look at that roster compared to other incarnations.
You see local guys like Brandon Roy and Nate Robinson, just tearing people up in college growing up, after a tough adjustment period in the pros, exploding on games for 20, 30 points on a night.
Then you see something else entirely.
The greatest basketball talent of the last 15 years.
New York Knicks please don’t mess this up. Don’t start winning games. Don’t bring Porzingis back this year. Boo this team when they start winning games. Just one year. That’s it. Throw in the towel.
Between the University of Oregon basketball team winning it all this year, or RJ Barrett joining the New York Knicks in 2019…
It’s not close.
RJ Barrett to the Knicks, I’ll take that over the Knicks winning the NBA title.
One more year of pain.
One more year.
And everything else, will have been worth it.
By the way, if anybody wants to debate me, the greatest episode of Seinfeld is BIZARRO JERRY episode. Everything about that episode…
Everything.
BIZARRO.
JERRY.
I will say no more.
