Greatness of WWE Wrestling
It’s Monday Night Raw and Smackdown Live! News and notes from watching these things in Portland, Oregon and Seattle, Washington.
Chris Jericho talks about Jon Lovitz and his fascination with ring ropes. From one of his books, there are many, but one of them. Some guest celebrity hosts are better than others, apparently Jon Lovitz sorta bombed during his Monday Night Raw appearance. Others like Wolverine’s Hugh Jackman and Mike Tyson went out of their way to bring the passion, with Tyson’s high pitched lisp “Oh look, it’s Michael Psss Hayeth! OMG it’s Arn Andersnth OMG!” delighting wrestlers backstage, while Wolverine, Seth Green, and others worked hard on their skits. Other guests didn’t care, or didn’t understand wrestling. Jon Lovitz was somewhere in the middle. The guy cornered Jericho for twenty minutes asking “What are the ring ropes made out of?”. Gave Y2J the creeps, so Lovitz cornered another wrestler for 30 minutes asking about “those ropes.”
I mean, we all got our thing man. Former New York Jets coach Rex Ryan had a thing for his wife’s foot, Ric Flair had a thing for robes, and I’ve got a thing for hands and fingers. But Lovitz took his fascination to another level, the highest of all levels. The man wanted to know what those svelte ropes were made out of… How they felt… What was inside… “They’re just ropes maaaaaaaaaaan”, said Jericho before fleeing away. They are just ropes. But maybe there’s fans out there who sit real close, ringside seats, just for those ropes. Maybe there’s those turnbuckle fans. As a kid, you think the ring is a mattress and tell your parents you want to become a wrestler. Then you attend your first event, and discover its made out of something else. Grown men to this day, don’t know what it is. No one knows. But those turnbuckles look soft and plump, you can grab your hands on and squeeze. That’s not me though…
People think I’m this big wrestling fan. I’m not even a fan. I’m an investor in a publicly traded company. I’m also a booster. An agent. One of those Bob Arum and Don King types. Behind the scenes heavy hitter. The boxing underworld had all these short, unathletic people who were still powerful people coming from backgrounds like lawyers and Hollywood agents. I’m one of those. Yes. I’m not attending wrestling events because I’m a fan, I attend wrestling events to watch my stocks perform on the market with volatility, uncertainty, NYSE. In all seriousness, I remember Alberto del Rio socking some social media guy. “Social Media Manager” was the guy’s title. It’s like come on man, backstage there are men wearing suits “Social Media Managing.” Stone Cold would roll over his bald head, so would The Undertaker.
That name is always the funniest. Social Media Managers. The point is when kids hack my phone, they suddenly see ROMAN REIGNS OOOOOUUUUU and stop playing with Dora the Explorer. That’s the kind of power and influence I possess, slowly but surely turning little kids who hack into my phone into die hard wrestling fans. RECOGNIZE. A couple rows in front of me at today’s Smackdown, there was a father, and his five year old daughter FEARLESS NIKKI backwards hat and shirt. The promo was Bella and Natalya on screen, and as Bella appeared the little girl jumped up with joy. She had her sign too. When Natalya started talking mess, little girl did the “Daniel Bryan NO” arm gesture. When Natalya said “John Cena would rather be with MEEEEEEEEE!” little girl threw her Bella sign down, and got angry.
Not sure if I should be laughing at that, but man, that was the funniest part. Bella and Natalya are my favorite characters, I remember watching these people since middle school. There’s an Instagram of Bray Wyatt lurking in the background as Natalya takes a bathroom selfie, picture is funny as hell. I think most businesswomen take their kids to school, go to soccer practice, not take selfies at the Terminal 9 Alaska Airlines bathroom. Speaking of John Cena… Sit cho’ ass down white boy. Dude wearing Joe Namath Jets and #33 Patrick Ewing Mitchell & Ness like he’s from the streets. Dude’s from West Newberry, Massachusetts. Sounds like a white picket fence, big gated community to me. Abercrombie & Fitch kind of guy. Who knows, I’ve never been there. But I do know when THE OOOOOOUUUUSSSSSOOOOS see this boy backstage, they know this boy an Abercrombie kind of guy.
Absolutely, price of admission is absolutely worth it. Stephanie McMahon… Almost fell down walking down the ramp, in that glassy entrance floor. The crowd caught that, made a “OOOOOH”. I’ll try to be polite here, but it was a good 20 to 30 degree angle of almost falling down in an almost violent way. Looked like King Neville’s in ring acumen, with that recovery and resuming of business power walking. Then pretending nothing even happened. You can say I’m one of those “IN RING PSYCHOLOGY” guys. I don’t know what any of the moves are called, the storylines may or may not matter, but when you put two men together that’s all that need be said. PSYCHOLOGY. When Roman Reigns is running the ropes, there’s just an element of power and being in shape and looking like Tarzan. Then you see Kevin Owens, who had to bend down at Royal Rumble gasping for breath. But then, I’m thinking to myself, nahh man, this isn’t IN RING PSYCHOLOGY but dude is legitimately out of shape ha haa. The steel chair pyramid destruction was damn good, damn good! KO looks like a fluffy teddy bear, or a gummy bear, something like this. Probably shouldn’t have written this paragraph…
I’d say I was most impressed with Mojo Rawley. Here you have a rising, next generation caliber superstar who decides to run the ropes for fun. Today, he won his match and started dancing. Big man smooth like a big baby penguin. Then for no reason he ran the ropes back and forth five or six times, meaning running back and forth as one time, meaning he ran back and forth 12 or 13 times, meaning running from one end to the other in a straight line as one, so according to my calculations means running from one to the other one back again over and over again. Dude was tryin’ out for the New England Patriots. THAT’S CALLED GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND!.
Enclosing, Evolution. Four of the biggest, baddest, once in a generation and faction in the history of WWE. I also count Charlotte Flair as an extension of Evolution when you see Charlotte in business suits and heels, WOOOOOOO!. Daniel Bryan home town kid, from middle of nowhere, drawing a crowd so loud Randy Orton couldn’t talk on the mic in Seattle before the TLC 2013 PPV. Look at Bryan’s eye contact with The Cerebral Assassin. The COO. The Game. Daniel Bryan wasn’t scared.
Yes!
I remember Brock Lesnar talking about walking into Madison Square Garden and not knowing what it was, or didn’t care, or actually didn’t know what city he was in and still doesn’t know what it is. From his book with Paul Heyman.
Every time I watch this guy wrestle, I always get cravings for bologna sandwiches. Brock Lesnar advertising on that shirt…
END CREDITS SCENE: SETS THE FUTURE FOR FUTURE ARTICLES….
Chris Jericho’s podcast also featured Braun Strowman using Geotagging apps to take dumps. According to Strowman, lifting weights and watching others lift weights makes the big man’s bowels move. And The Big Show is scared of midgets. You can’t make this crap up.
As for me, I’ll probably post pictures of plants and stuff while I’m riding my bike or something. I don’t have that much cool stuff to post.
