DAYS I HAVEN’T MET CHARLIE BROOKER

Ideas, Ideas, Ideas…Ideas

The Outside World

- Tinder lies -

Day 65

10. INT. DAY. BUS

Inside the bus I took in the morning, I sat in front of two ladies, around their late 30s or early 40s, who were loudly speaking in Portuguese without being aware that I understood them perfectly. I overheard them speaking about being Africans, although I can’t really say from which country they were. Their conversation at 7 AM while they were going to work, follows:

LADY 1

You know, I really hate fixing their teas every single hour.

LADY 2

Me too. I hate whenever I have to work in one of those fancy offices, where all the time all you see is British people.

LADY 1

You drink coffee, right? It’s funny, I think you’re the only African woman I know who enjoys coffee.

LADY 2

I do. But not too much, it just helps me use the restroom.

LADY 1

You’re like the tenth person who tells me that. I tried a few times, but it doesn’t work for me.

LADY 2

What do you do?

LADY 1

I go when I have to go! What else?

LADY 2

Coffee tells me to go.

They laugh and remain silent for a while. After that, lady number 2 starts talking again.

LADY 2

I went out with that Portuguese man.

LADY 1

Who?

LADY 2

The one from Tinder, Pedro. I told you about him!

LADY 1

And how was it?

LADY 2

Meh.

LADY 1

What happened?

LADY 2

Nah, it was just boring. He’s boring. He kept saying “I don’t know why I’m on Tinder” or “I don’t actually need Tinder”…or I’m not into online dating.

LADY 1

Hum

LADY 2

I just hate those people. It’s either like they believe they’re better than us or they’re ashamed of using it. Why do you use it then? Like you need an excuse to meet people. It’s stupid.

LADY 1

Didn’t you meet another man like that? I remember you telling me something like that.

LADY 2

Me? No, not like that. You’re talking about that one that wouldn’t properly respond me, saying how he used Tinder for fun. I never met him.

LADY 1

You told me more about it, didn’t you?

LADY 2

Yes, that I got annoyed by that and I decided to look for his Facebook profile. I don’t care, I just wanted to see who he was.

LADY 1

Right…

LADY 2

And then I found his profile. Bunch of photos of him that people showed, totally different from the ones he put on Tinder. He was uglier and fatter. You don’t care and yet you select the most fake photos you have? I don’t know why I use that thing…

Day 65, Charlie. I feel ashamed of my Tinder profile now.