trampoline girl

3 am in the morning and i haven’t slept. while the sun goes to bed, i keep awake, while the sun is awake, i’m also awake. sleep? where, lost.

like me. i tell the people around me how bad i suck and they think its some joke or exaggeration but isn’t. i suck, life sucks. each day brings a new opportunity to make new, fresh mistakes. that’s all i’ve really been doing. making mistakes. fixing them. making them again. rinse, repeat.

three months ago, i broke my heart. the potter destroyed it’s porcelain. i am the potter. i also double as the porcelain. i build myself up and destroy it as i fit. you see, i’ve been damaged from a long time. no, not like that. my life is rosy. i eat twice a day, sometimes thrice(garri is a good late night snack). i have all that i need. God is gracious with me.

maybe that’s why i am this way. perhaps if all i had was my being, i’ll do much more with myself. or not. my mind, urghh my mind. my angel and the demon in my life. my mind wanders. its been wandering even before i was born. it goes to several places at the same time. and it makes me look like i’m jobless. i’m trapped. that’s what it is.

the internet keeps saying self-diagnosis is bad. that i shouldn’t declare that i have adhd even though i identify with several of the symptoms. lest i forget, i loathe myself as well. so no, i won’t even think of identifying with such. it’s the lazy gen-z’s that do that. i am not like that. i take accountability for my actions. right now, i am simply being lazy and ungrateful. double down, go harder, work harder. sit your mind in one place. rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.

i saw a beautiful video of some ladies jumping on the trampoline. they jump high and come down. the trampoline is a beautiful invention by the way. so beautiful that it’s an accurate depiction of my life. i keep jumping and i keep coming down. right now, i’m still down. i am gearing up to jump again, and i don’t want to believe i’ll come down. even thought that’s what has happened every time for the past 10+ years.

but this time around when i jump, i want to jump so high that i go up. to the clouds. to the heavens. to my creator. He put me here. He says I have a purpose. I have not seen it. I hope I will. I pray I see it.