My Mother’s Legacy: What Adoption Taught Me About Using My Gifts

Life has the most intriguing way of turning an unadulterated canvas into something different.
The reality is that none of us arrives into the world as a blank slate. The imprints of our parents leave their traces on our psyches since Day 1 and maybe even much earlier. Regardless of whether you were planned for or a delightful interruption, your foray into this world would be met with boundless joy and excitement.
Most women are glad to be blessed with the gift of life. One mother too, was no exception. She thanked her lucky stars and counted the days down to the day of delivery. When the foetus graduated with gusto, announcing its arrival, she heaved a sigh of relief, battle weary but nonetheless gratified as the baby nursed in her bosom.
Within a week, she put her baby up for sale. As the buyers pressed the cold, hard cash into her hand, she relinquished the latest addition almost with glee.
That day, my mother monetized her gift.
Fast forward to twelve years later, the clinking of porcelainware was broken by sudden interjection, “Who do you think you are?”, my Mom fired in my direction. I lowered my gaze meekly, nothing could have prepared me for the next shot, “You birth mother was an alcoholic and gambler.” As if an authority on the subject, she declared, “You have bad genes.” As I looked up in disbelief, her final words sentenced me to a lifetime of chronic self-doubt: We never wanted you in the first place.
In one fell swoop, I was hit with a double blow.
I was a gift that nobody wanted.
My birth mother didn’t want me, neither did my adoptive mother. Overnight because of an addiction that blinded her, my birth mother had to give up her gift for survival — to feed the monster within.
As I grew older, the tension within me started to tear me apart subconsciously. All my life, I’d been brought up to fear the very seeds of greatness deposited within me. In my adoptive mother’s eyes, to nurture my free spiritedness would be akin to encouraging me to become wayward and follow in the footsteps of my predecessor simply because I was, in her opinion genetically predisposed to do so.
The only problem was by doing so, my mother’s narrative along with its irrational fears became my own. Along with my weakness, I also learnt to fear my strength. That was tantamount to death as to deny the seeds of greatness is to starve them. What does not get acknowledged does not get to see the light of day. And what does not get to see the light of day will never get to shine.
I wanted to shine so bad.
As I reflect on where I am today in my life, I think what it is, is that all my life I have been waiting to be seen, to be recognized and to be looked in the eye and told, “You are a gift to this world. Never forget that.”
But like most people that have been abandoned, abused or denigrated in some way, we wait for someone else to see our inner greatness and endorse us — that it’s ok to be great. It’s ok to be great at us. It’s ok to be us.
To give us permission.
We see glimpses of greatness in humanity every now and then when we hear of news where the black man gave a borrowed shirt off his back to help someone else in an accident. Never mind, it meant losing his one shot at a decent job interview which was so hard to come by for an ex-felon. We see it in the boy who started a lunch money campaign because he saw how his friend had to suffer hunger pangs during recess. Nothing takes away our breath more than the indomitable spirit that says, “I am bigger that all this because I believe.”
Without struggle, greatness cannot come into fruition for the very purpose it was conceived. To be a gift to mankind, to bring hope, joy, comfort and even healing to the places that have been broken.
However, the very same struggle also threatens to snuff out the flame within us and when the challenges get too overwhelming, a once brightly burning passion fades into dying embers. You can see it in their eyes, the sense of resignation that perhaps, the soothsayers were right — You are a gift that is not wanted.
And so that’s how the dreams die still born along with the gifts placed in one’s hands and hearts, atrophied, awaiting expiration.
It’s so real and I have felt like giving up at times.
To be honest, if you ask me how I got up to this point, the answer I can unabashedly offer is — I am my mother’s daughter.
Without her passion, entrepreneurial spirit and eternal optimism, euphemistically speaking, I would not have persevered up to this point. Perhaps, it’s really her incorrigible denial of reality that galvanized her into giving ME up rather than her dream. Bereft of resources or any form of support with six kids in tow, as the new born I was her meal ticket or only shot at freedom to get out of debt.
She did good to monetize her gift but it was the wrong gift.
Without romanticizing any of this, as a Sociology graduate, I am only too keenly aware that many choices made in pain are against a backdrop of systemic poverty. Although my mother has not left me a dime in her name, she has probably given me the greatest gift. What is it? It is the gift of IMAGINATION. The ability to see the beauty of possibilities in the future.
Steve Jobs said this before, ““You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”
In my coaching, I help my clients uncover their true identity and chart their path towards their destiny by connecting the dots of their past. I tell them that they have been set up to be successful and the only requisite is that they have to be great at themselves and nobody else because DESIGN NEVER FAILS.
When my mother carried me in her womb, she smoked liked a chimney and drank like a fish. Now, you and I don’t need to be an gynecologist to know that I could have very likely ended up with my first PhD (permanent head damage) or been deformed in some way, of which I am neither. Which can only lead me to one inevitable conclusion.
I am a gift that God wanted in the first place.
A gift that is meant to bring joy, hope, comfort and healing to the broken places. A gift He saw value in when nobody else did. That one day I would be able to tap into my Purpose and find my place in this world as a Purpose Coach and see the Greatness in others through His eyes of Love.
There is no place more broken than a heart whose hope has been deferred indefinitely. And how my heart aches for my mother who like many live utterly frustrated of not being able to maximize their potential and how she could only find solace in a bottle and the next card that life draws up for her. I have never met her but as a coach, I know with the right mentor and under very different circumstances, she could have shared her gifts with the world.
You can’t cherish a gift you don’t recognize.
In order for me to break the generation curse so to speak, two things must happen.
Firstly, I must accept myself as a gift. I am not an accident.
Secondly, I must be able to monetize my gifts.
To monetize your gift, you must be able to first see your own greatness.
Today, I no longer let circumstance dictate who I can be or I cannot be. I will not reject who I am as a person. I take dominion of my identity and position. I reclaim my birth right of greatness — I was born to be great at me. Just as you were born to be great at YOU.
However, you can be a gift and go wildly unappreciated simply due to the lack of positioning and putting yourself in front of the wrong audience. You can be the best product but if no one knows about you, you will be doomed to a life of obscurity. And what does not get to see the light of day will never grow.
It got to a point where I got so sick of playing small and hiding behind the labels. Surely, there are those who are waiting for you and I to show up so we can help them in their own journey.
Where am I right now?
I am in a place where I can no longer tolerate the narrative for even one day longer.
Putting myself out there was perhaps be the most frightening thing I will ever do but the greater fear that drives me is not knowing my full potential.
My name is Dazzling Chong. “Arise and shine, for you light has come.”
I am my mother’s legacy and today, I am no longer asking for permission but extending an invitation.
Will you join me in seeing your greatness and reclaiming your birthright?
To do so, all you need are these 3 steps:
- SEE your gift — Often, we take our greatest gifts for granted. Make time to sit down with a cuppa and ask yourself this very simple question: Do I believe I am a gift? Why or not not? Even the smallest of doubt must be obliterated so that you will have the courage to put yourself out there. Family and friends may be able to offer some insights as to what they think your greatest gift is as well. Sometimes, we’re too familiar with our gift and may have taken it for granted, thereby overlooking its immense value and incredible potential to not only help others but be monetized.
- SHOW your gift — Whether you realize it or not, we are constantly “selling” or rather branding ourselves. And you should because that’s the only way the world is gonna know how great you are and what they can reward you for. However, it is imperative that you get in front of the right crowd that needs your product or service. Be careful, however who you show your gift to. There are always two sides to a coin and for every lover, there could be a hater. Though it shouldn’t have to the diametrically opposed, we are all very diverse. Rejection, thus should not be taken personally and stop you from seeking your tribe.
- SHARE your gift — It takes guts to own your unique gift. The greatness comes through in terms of the ideas and content that you share. ‘Monetizing’ is not a dirty word and you have every right to make known what it is that you offer. People will have greater clarity as you differentiate yourself as a thought leader whether you are have team or making a change to your workplace or industry. Take time to research on your affinity market. Chances people who are most like you or have been on a similar journey are those who will resonate with your struggles and triumph. Feedback will also help you to improve as you engage with the external world. Risk failure to advance your mission. Onward!
Together, we shine and Be Great at YOU!