A Simple Mindset Shift.

I want to share a story. In case it can serve as a source of motivation for you or if you ever find yourself in a situation where you think matter over mind might prevail.

I am a master’s graduate student. My academic background is a defining characteristic of who I am. I value it greatly and the amount of effort and time I put into my work is incomparable to any other field of my life.

I recently was assigned a presentation in my seminar class worth 100% of my grade. Given that in addition to the research I do for my degree I only take 3 classes, this mark was a defining aspect of my overall success in my degree. I started working on this presentation weeks in advance — a 45 minute talk followed by a 15 minute question period, this seminar was no joke. The weekend before my presentation, scheduled on Monday, was unsurprisingly a stressful one. With the pressure of delivering an exceptional presentation and the weight of a personal dilemma on my shoulders, these two things broke me down. I didn’t sleep all weekend and I barely ate — a function of being so nervous and anxious about my talk.

But it didn’t stop there. After sleeping a solid 20 minutes on Sunday night I woke up with pain in my kidneys. This escalated to overall abdominal pain and I spent my entire night sitting in my bed rocking back and forth in agony refusing to go to the hospital before it was intolerable. I debated over and over in my head whether it was worth the trip and missing my presentation, but having a previous history of acute appendicitis without the removal of my appendix I could not take the risk.

I was devastated. Although I value my health, it broke me knowing I put so much effort into my work and wouldn’t be able to deliver it to the best of my ability or if at all. Saddened, I went to the emergency room with my laptop and notes in hand still hopeful that I may deliver my presentation, even though I went through recurring thoughts about how I can’t — the worst words to tell yourself when all you want to do is CAN. I would be fine one minute and crying about a failure I hadn’t even failed at yet the other minute. It was the definition of struggle. I was given anti-nausea injections and hydromorphone (the strongest pain killer I have ever taken in my life) and eventually the buildup of pain went away.

Apart from the lack of sleep, the physical part of my problem was gone. All that was left was my mind and what I thought I could and couldn’t do. I was torn between swallowing my pride and deferring my presentation or delivering it on time as intended, knowing there was an incredibly high chance that I would not be able to deliver it as well as I could have. But I couldn’t do the former.

Through literal blood, sweat and tears I made it to my presentation. I delivered it, flawlessly. I answered my spectator questions without skipping a beat. And I really don’t know how. That’s why I started writing this post… thinking that maybe through self-reflection I can come up with a general rule about how I persevered and apply it to every other time I feel like I can’t do something.

I figure the only barrier between accomplishing something you want to do while going through a struggle is really the mentality of thinking you can’t. It seems simple but the bare bones of the issue is really just that. The thought of failure or the thought of inability is actually far worse than what can happen if you actually try. No matter the outcome, you come out of it better. This goes hand in hand with the idea that we are a function of our actions, rather than our conditions. That everything is possible if you believe it is. It may seem cheesy and cliché but did I not just give you a great example?