Why Talking to Random Women Is A Guy’s Only Real Option in 2019
A friend of mine was dating a wannabe “influencer” on Instagram. She would post stories a few times a day. Sure enough, with every story, she would get 5–10 messages from guys she barely knew trying to slide (in some cases creepily jump) into her DMs.
Another friend thought it would be fun to swipe right (i.e. like) every guy on Tinder, just to see how many matches she could get. After a week she stopped because she had gotten 500.
Obviously men have unprecedented access to women. Forty years ago you may have known women from your high school, college, and a friend or work circle. Today, the sky’s the limit in terms of access to women, and that includes amazingly beautiful women. So, guys in 2019 should be in relationships, getting dates, and even getting married at record levels right?
Nope.
Recent research shows that one out of three men under 30 is sexless. And, the reality is that young people in particular aren’t dating, aren’t marrying, and are more likely to be lonely than in previous generations, particularly guys.
I’m not here to get into the reasons why all of this is true. There are a lot of hypotheses, and it’s probably the result of a variety of factors. However, let something sink in. Guys have unprecedented access to women and more guys are single than ever.
I believe the problem is the “unprecedented access” itself, which has led to the state that we’re in. I made the point a few months ago that we can blame male thirst for a lot of men’s dating problems. Male thirst has made a like, comment, or message from a man online pretty much worthless. I knew a woman who got 100 (yes, 100) messages from random guys on her Facebook a month asking her to dinner or complimenting her.
She didn’t know these guys. Their openers were horrible. They apologized profusely for bugging her, yet they did. She rightly laughed at those who did this. But, imagine what this does to her opinion of getting messages online. It’s possible her soulmate is messaging her, but she gets so much “noise” that she isn’t going to ever find the signal.
Even if you are a high quality guy, with everything a woman might be looking for, the online market is so saturated with the thirsty and clueless, that getting your foot in the door is nearly impossible. And, that’s if you can convey how great you are online, which is difficult since the things women find attractive (like presence, confidence/power, humor, and even smell) are nearly impossible to show from a profile, photos, or an opening message.
Dating apps, designed to help you meet someone should be better though…right? Wrong. Since Tinder, for example, is 68% dudes, and women often get hundreds, even thousands, of likes in a short time span, dating apps have had to build algorithms and filters that basically limit the number of guys a woman can see. It’s the digital version of charging guys a cover while women get into the club for free.
Tinder’s algorithm, for example, seems to prioritize very attractive men, causing already successful men to have even more success, while sending average guys to the “back of the stacks.” Since Tinder has been focused more on getting people to pay, men are getting even fewer matches than ever, and even handsome men pretty much have to pay for a “boost” to be seen by more than a handful of women.
Most dating sites have become more filter based. Apps like Bumble, which used to not have filters for things like height, politics, etc, now does. In many cases, these filters are preset to exclude less traditionally accepted relationships. For example, Bumble will set men’s ranges more toward women their own age and older, versus much younger. While these filters can be changed, many people don’t do it.
Many surprising and unexpected relationships from the past, where opposites attracted or where someone had a crush on a much older guy, etc., just can’t and won’t happen online.
In other words, many women simply won’t see most guys on a dating app.
We can thank heartless algorithms but also overly logical thinking when setting filters, where women are thinking more of “how will this guy look in Facebook photos?” and not “how will my heart feel when he walks by?” But, both of these are online realities that mean you’re likely going to be missed by most women.
And, another online reality is that many women use dating apps to collect attention or get social media followers. One recent study found among younger people, 44% used Tinder to get attention and waste time. Only 4% wanted a relationship.
Just being on Tinder for a few moments shows that the prettiest ones often have things like “Follow me on Instagram” or “I never check this. See me on Instagram” on their profiles.
A lot of profiles these days are simply what I call “wannabe influencer spam.”
Some even use the apps to get thirsty guys to pay for their premium snapchats, luring the lonely to pay for what’s readily available online for free. Many guys wouldn’t get a message or match at all if it weren’t for these entrepreneurs (or as I call them, “spammers”) peddling nudes.
This had led to the online environment being nearly worthless for the average guy to meet a girl. Unless you are amazing looking or already have some type of “in” (like you know the girl from real life), meeting women online has become a huge struggle. Gone are the days when you were the only guy messaging a woman, and now you have to contend with 50 guys doing the same thing, while she just ends up dating her boss anyway.
But, before I finish discussing dating apps, let’s not forget that even if every woman on every app did see your profile, it’s not like you could impress her anyway. Online, women swipe right only 14% of the time, and find 80% of men unattractive.
Since in real life, 80% of guys aren’t single, clearly the online environment is ultimately a crappy medium for women to evaluate attraction. So, guys, even if they get your message, and they’re single, they still aren’t going to like you!
So, the solution is to meet women in real life, like through friends or work, right? That’s half true. The problem is that “real life” isn’t much better than online. Loneliness is an epidemic, and many people have very few friend groups or ways to meet new women in a “natural” way. Dating co-workers is seen as taboo, and many people are watching Netflix rather than going out a lot.
It’s also common to have no idea who your neighbors are, and good luck finding a friend or family member who is socially connected who can “set you up,” as most of them are probably struggling with a lack of a real world social networks just as you are.
So it almost seems like there truly is no solution, especially for guys in their mid-20s and beyond who are out of college and no longer around hundreds of girls on a regular basis.
That’s why I think being able to strike up conversations with strangers is a superpower, and one needed for 2019. For one, it is the only way you can choose whom you want to engage (versus being told whom you can engage by dating app filters and algorithms). And two, it’s the only real way for an average guy to show he’s worthy of a woman’s attention, which is nearly impossible to convey online.
Let me unpack this, starting with point one.
One day I was at the gym and testing out a few dating apps. There were literally 50 pretty women surrounding me. I set a couple apps to a 1 mile radius. Guess what? Not one woman from the gym was there. And, if one of them happened to be on there and I liked them, there is no guarantee she would even see me because of the algorithms and filters.
Now, what if I had the confidence and skills to actually talk to a woman at the gym? Is your mind blown yet? (yes, this is sarcasm — kind of). Is it blown that in 2019 you can actually talk to a pretty woman you want to talk to, versus awkwardly staring at her in person, and then going home and being forced to converse with the few women you matched with that you aren’t attracted to anyway (that is the number one complaint I get from my male clients — they only match with unattractive women)?
Yes, approaching women allows you to be in complete control, which isn’t possible online.
I’ll unpack point number 2 now. Online, I am just another guy. I look all right. I’m probably too old for the filters of many women, and maybe even too short (at 5'8"ish). I may be too far away since I live in a suburb. I may just not take amazing photos. Who knows?
But either way, even if every single woman from my gym was online and I matched with them, it would still be hard to win them over in that environment (Remember, 80% of us aren’t attractive online).
In person, my chances, and your chances, are always higher. As I mentioned prior, presence, charisma, humor, and even smell can make you attractive. In fact, the act of talking to a woman you don’t know is itself attractive as it a sign of crazy confidence.
If you talk to them in person, you jump the line of 20 dudes on Instagram and her 100 matches on Tinder. You get ahead of her 3 guy friends waiting for the right moment to “make their move” and declare their love. You get real and immediate access to her, and no algorithm or filters will prevent you from doing it.
Of course, I’m not saying that walking up to a random woman and awkwardly saying “hi” with your face flushed and trembling from fear is going to get you a date. I’m also not saying talking to a girl at a supermarket is going to be more effective than talking to one who you casually talk to while sitting next to on the bus, which is a little more natural. (And, I’ll add that online dating can still be a part of your dating approach.)
Obviously, there are effective ways to talk to strangers, and ineffective ones. Unfortunately, many guys in 2019 struggle with things like charisma, charm, masculinity, and confidence, and other social skill issues. Approaching is just the beginning, and has to be followed by rapport building and closing. The latter two are skillsets in-and-of themselves, and are beyond the scope of this article.
Nonetheless, I will still say: a guy who isn’t horribly ugly who can muster a “hi” and smile will always be at an advantage over the same guy trying to meet that same woman online. Plus, practice makes perfect, and after smiling and saying “hi” enough, you’ll eventually start figuring out what to say.
You may say all of this is too much: “it’s just too hard!” This is the most common complaint I get when I suggest this. And, I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy. I’ve done it a lot and I sometimes still struggle to work up the nerve.
However, while online dating and hitting up women online is “easy” in the front end (i.e. it requires very little investment or confidence) it’s also very difficult as well. Think of all the time you have spent swiping and messaging, and most guys will have to admit it’s a pretty big waste of time when the total hours invested are tallied. Some guys may swipe for hours with no match to even show for it.
Talking to women in person is indeed challenging on the front end, as it requires confidence, risk-taking, and the possibility of getting rejected right away. However, it’s actually a better use of time overall, and brings with it the potential for more control and success.
And, if you are going to tell me that in 2019 women should approach you, well, research just released shows women still expect guys to approach and they won’t do it.
Another common objection is that “it’s creepy” to approach women. As I mentioned earlier, how you approach determines whether it’s creepy. In all the approaches my friends and I have done, I don’t ever recall getting an “I’m creeped out” vibe, although I have been with clients who have given off this vibe. Again, practice, take feedback, and it will get better. If you’re often called creepy, I suggest reading this (read all three parts).
So, yes, I’m saying that to gain complete control of your dating life, to stand out from the noise, the thirst, and the algorithms, it’s time to go “old school” and actually talk to women in the real world.
