A Missing Connection

We celebrate our 11th anniversary today. I feel we have been married way longer. It feels like I know him forever. 11 years is not short but it’s definitely not that long either. My anniversary gift to my husband is divorce papers. I thought of this in my first year of marriage.

Our marriage was arranged marriage. I know the statistics state that the possibility of arranged marriage surviving is higher than love marriage but some things are not meant to be. He is an amazing guy but the connection is missing. In my first year of marriage, I thought it’s still new, once we settle in things will get better. There was no honeymoon phase, no romance or passion.

Our first step was to be friends. We were still getting to know each other — the good, the bad and the worse things. My dreams and his reality would crash and create chaos and confusion. Being opposite personalities who are both headstrong, we both somewhere wanted the other person to change.

We had our good times and memories filled with love and laughter. Things were getting better one day at a time. Come second year, we got more settled with each other. We talked and listened more to understand other person’s perspective. Communication became stronger but hearts still grew distant. I still hoped things would get better and it will be different.

By the third year of marriage, I had doubts of the relationship surviving for a couple of reasons. One my patience was running out and second I found the missing connection with someone else. We hit it off immediately when we were introduced. With time, we became friends and the bond became stronger.

In fourth year of marriage, my friend became the person with whom I shared my moods, feelings, and a part of me. I didn’t cheat on my husband physically but I think somewhere emotionally, I chose my friend over my husband. It wasn’t right and the guilt was always there. I wanted to break free from the marriage but somewhere I wanted my marriage to work. Many girls pray for their husband to be like mine.

He is smart, good looking and not a bit insecure or possessive. He is very practical and trusts me to give me all the freedom and independence. He earns well, supports me and has the best family. We fight but he never abuses me in any way. I am still not sure why I didn’t feel for him what I felt for my friend.

Fifth year was probably when things became serious. We became parents to a baby boy. There was no question of separation. We brought a new life into this world. We didn’t have time to talk, leave aside fight. Life became so different. We were no longer husband and wife. We were parents to our baby. He was the most important person in our life. I think our relationship transitioned from marriage to parenthood. My friend who I had feelings for also moved on and got married.

Anniversaries were no longer important. Our son’s birthday became the only event to celebrate. Our roles and lives changed path and pace. My husband worked harder at his job to provide the world for our son. I tried to balance my life between work and raising my son. We bought a house, starting saving for my son’s college, learning new things about parenthood and all first like first step, first word, first bike. In midst of everything, we lost love or whatever little we felt of love.

Our boy is growing up as he started school and his life. He needs his parents but he is wiser for his age. It is time I thought of my priorities in life. My husband and I are partners to raise our boy but we are not husband and wife. We care for each other like we care for friends but the connection is missing.

I think my husband saw this coming too. My laughs were no longer genuine. We talked like roommates but lived like family for our son. Our boy did not understand much but he could sense the lack of warmth in family. So today as we sign our divorce papers, we agree to be parents without being married.

Not every marriage fails due to violence, anger or infidelity. Sometimes it is the small things such as a missing connection which makes you take hard decisions. Every relationship takes a place in your heart which needs to be filled. This relationship is supposed to fill the biggest void in your heart. 11 years with him and I cannot name one thing he did wrong. Except he couldn’t make a place in my heart.

*This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental