Target Field food news the shirt-stained, artery-clogged media won’t tell you

Each April, journalists, bloggers and other hangers-on leave behind their office microwaves and self-respect to breathlessly blog the Minnesota Twins’ new food items.

I’ve never been, but I like to imagine Twins president Dave St. Peter as a mother bird dropping food to a hundred violently torquing beaks.

Hey, it’s America, and after a long winter of shoving junk down our pie holes, who doesn’t want to dream of a summer of shoving junk down our pie holes? You want objectivity, go eat some kale at the co-op, commie!

Still, this is a discouraging P.R. win, akin to media slobbering over every new Vikings stadium girder. And like that reportorial travesty, rarely is heard a discouraging word.

I pay for a Twins’ 20-game season ticket, but I got my cynicism for free. And each year, I think, “OK, cool; new items, fine. But which highly promoted past item did they drop? And how much more do I have to pay for the beer, brats and peanuts? I’m probably gonna buy that crap more than the Hrbek Bloody Mary featuring Dan Gladden’s Motorcycle Exhaust and a Bert Blyleven Fart Cushion.”

Based on a comparison of the Twins 2016 concession page and a 2015 version (cached by the fabulous Wayback Machine), here are your answers:

Dumped items (UPDATED)

• Smoked Meat Sandwich with Vinegar Slaw & Maple Syrup Hot Sauce (never had this; it was a Zimmern thing; he’s always trying something new like seared donkey breast)
• Walk A Taco (again, I passed, though my daughter had one. Condolences, El Burrito Mercado).

(Update: Orginally, I noted Summit EPA and Goose Island were no longer listed. The Twins say both remain, and Summit was even more specific):

Price increases

Fairness compels me to note that most Twins concession items did not go up this year, and that the Twins have a great policy of letting you bring your own food into the ballpark. Not all teams allow this, and it’s a blessing if you’re a cheap bastard like me.

However, several items you buy all the time did get more expensive: premium beer, soda, bottled water, popcorn, french fries, cheese curds, nachos — all up 50 cents. Dippin’ Fuckin’ Dots! The food of the future for the last 50 years! Has to convince you dragging fifty more cents!

First-world problems, yes, but those quarters add up. (Aside: The funniest “adds up” joke in comedy history; stay with it.) For some reason, corn dogs and pretzels with cheese went up a buck — 20 percent, more or less.

I wouldn’t buy a corn dog at the ballpark if you threatened me with a White Sox cap, but the pretzels I have bought and do like.

Because I am here for you — not St. Peter or the distended worms from his craw— I made you this handy chart. Use it to find your favorites. You are welcome. See you at the ballyard.