The Chicago Bagel Authority- The Adolf Hitler of Bagels
The Jewish people have been through a lot over the course of history: 400 years of slavery, a genocide, then another genocide, then that other one, then an expulsion, and then that other really really bad genocide. But now a new generation of anti-semites are trying to destroy the Jewish people and their culture and those people are the Chicago Bagel Authority. The Chicago Bagel Authority calls them themself the “authority” on bagels but the only thing they are the authority on is the rape and murder of Jewish life and culture. With pretzel rolls, peanut butter and banana sandwiches and salads, the Chicago Bagel Authority might as well be marching in Charlottesville while they are eating one of their “No Carb Salads” because they are single-handedly ending the Jewish world as we know it.
Some of you might think I’m overreacting, “It’s just bagels” you’ll say, “this is all just mishigas”, you’ll passive aggressively meh while ripping off a piece of rugelach. I wish that were true, but throughout history the first thing repressive regimes have done to Jews when trying to annihilate them is take away their laws and customs. In the story from the Jewish holiday Purim they tried to make us bow to mortal kings, during Hannukah they took away our torahs so we had to play with stupid dreidels instead. Even in in 1963 they tried to take away our Sandy Koufax, and now they are trying to take away our bagels! What do you want next? Our foreskins!? Sorry CBA you can’t have my foreskin. My mother buried mine in our backyard and then planted a lemon tree on top of it to remind us all that even the smallest part of us can bring life into this world so take that. You want my bagels? You better start burning down synagogues and breaking windows like Kristallnacht motherfuckers because you’ll have to pry them from my charred bloodied fingers.
You walk into Chicago Bagel Authority and it’s like walking into your Christian great aunt’s home. You know the one person in your family who married a shiksa and so your Bubbe doesn’t talk about her anymore? It just doesn’t feel right. Neon-blue-haired women with tattooed arm sleeves kept trying to offer me free samples. What? Does she think I’m poor? I make a comfortable living, thank you very much. Save your handouts for the Persians who walk in. Where are my dirty brown- speckled linoleum floors? No Yoohoo or Dr. Brown’s cream soda? There is a better chance of of me eating a slice of bacon than getting me to drink an “artisanal soda”. The only thing artisanal about that soda, is that you somehow get white people to pay 4 dollars for it. My family did not survive the Russian Pogroms to pay four dollars for sugar water and three dollars for a plain bagel, we survived so we could complain about it.
The truth is folks, that the Chicago Bagel Authority is the absolute worst thing in the history of the world. They are the Adolf Hitler of bagels. Sure there are other bagel places in Chicago that offer similar options, but the CBA is the only place I know of that does something completely outrageous, disgusting and (should be) illegal. They steam their bagels. THEY STEAM THEIR BAGELS. Bagels are supposed to be boiled. They are metaphors for us Jews. Strong, thick, cooked under intense heat and pressure and always a little moist and sweaty. We didn’t travel in a lovely wooded sauna for 40 years, we traveled in the fucking desert! Bagels are boiled, not steamed! Period. The Chicago Bagel Authority literally takes our most prized possession and puts them into gas chambers to be cooked until completion, if that doesn’t sound like Adolf Hitler, then you must be a white male Donald Trump Supporter. Ladies and gentlemen, Nazis are flooding the streets of our cities, the Anti Defamation League cited an 84 percent increase in hate crimes toward Jews over the last 8 months, but the reason I am scared every day. The reason I go to temple and pray and the reason I fight is because those Chicago Bagel Authority doors continue to stay open. Our Holy Temple was destroyed and in it’s place sits a steamed “cobb salad bagel.” It’s enough to make your Zeide cry. Zachor. Never forget.