I think ketamine is a drug that could make you believe in a god. Last Friday, I had my first ketamine infusion for CRPS, and let me tell you, it is something that I do not think you can explain or articulate; I’m going to try anyway.
So, they brought me back to this very uncomfortable chair, where they do the typical blood pressure and heart rate checks. It was a mite cold. They stuck me with the world’s largest needle, and sprayed my blood all over myself (a dramatization), but that was normal apparently. It took a little longer to get things setup than I was hoping, but it wasn’t that much longer. Plus, they gave me something to help with my anxiety, and that helped time flow better.
The doc finally came by and shot some ketamine into my veins, which took a few seconds to send me spinning. It was a strange kind of spinning, that I could somewhat control, and controlling the spinning was all that mattered for a while. I don’t know if my eyes were closed, but my mind was showing me things that my eyes never would/could. Once I figured out that I was somewhat in control, things changed, and I felt like people were operating on me in another dimension… like I woke up from this reality, into the true reality, and they were just experimenting and watching me. This made me open my eyes and see that I was still in the pain clinic with my wife.
Things kind of reconnected slowly after I remembered that I was at the clinic, and had a body with hands. It was a strange thing, reconnecting mentally with the rest of my body. It was like my extremities were made of a rigid substance like wood, and they felt weird to move against each other. I tried explaining to my wife what was going on, but I’m pretty sure nobody understood me, and we both just laughed for a second. Just before I felt like I was me again, the doc came by with my second dose.
Mid-sentence, the second dose kicked in, and I had to bid my lovely wife adieu. I closed my eyes, and laid back before my chair started taking off into space. This time, my trip was a little less powerful, and I generally understood that I was tripping. I tried to just relax, and let it show me what I needed to see. Sounds kinda strange, since it was all shit in my head to begin with, but it felt like I was on the edge of some sort of important discovery. I started feeling a sort of oneness with everything. And I could hear breaks in between the sound waves. Every sound was prolonged, loud, and full of a kind of scratchy fast-paced breaking/crackling effect. Those crackling sounds started getting faster, and the words people were speaking (I imagine they were people speaking, but I have no idea if that was my head or my environment) started getting exaggerated and slowed down. I wondered if I was dying, and not in a bad way either. It was a very peaceful sensation. I felt like maybe for a moment, I was dead.
Once I was certain that I could understand language again, I think my memory started playing things over for me. I was so vividly, and loudly hearing conversations that I was certain I had had before, but I couldn’t quite understand what they were saying. I had to really focus on the conversation just to know that they (the people in my memory) were talking. I feel like if I could have understood what they were saying, I would have learned something new… like, my mind’s eye was trying to teach me something. I needed to focus harder, but my trip started wearing down, and I just couldn’t quite get there.
I came to, and tried to explain my trip, while not remember how to communicate. Words and concepts slowly started coming back to me, and I asked my wife to time my next trip. From my perspective, I was going on days long journeys, but I knew it was only a matter of minutes. We decided to start the clock once I give my wife the, “here we go” sign (apparently, I said that as soon as the meds kicked in for the previous two trips). Doc came in just after we came up with the plan, injected me some more, asked how I was doing, and as I opened my mouth to answer, the only thing I could say was, “here we go!”
This trip was quite a bit more lucid, yet I don’t quite remember much of how it felt. Strange that I remember being in more control, but I don’t really remember what I was in control of. The only thing(s) I can remember is that I was basically light, and I wasn’t alone, but I was becoming part of everything around me. I couldn’t really even see anything, I just knew that it was becoming part of me (or I part of it). All I could see was white, and I knew that the white was me, and that I could be part of everything if I knew how to. I just had to keep feeling out, and trying to connect with everything. But the drugs were failing, and I was losing the grip I had on the trip. I think I was trying so hard to stay inside, that I made myself exhausted.
I started regaining consciousness, and asked my wife if I could go home yet. I didn’t want to have to go through another trip or two! That’s a lot all at once, let me tell you. 3 plus days long trips in an afternoon? It takes its toll, for sure. Plus, the wait for my 4th and final trip was a longer one.
Doctor Nelson gave me my fourth infusion, and I really hoped to get sent back to the place where I was becoming part of everything. But, I got that strange sound effect thing again, and was basically just tripping balls, while the heart monitor attached to me kept chiming in at random intervals, and with random pitches. Slow low pitch beeps, then high pitched faster, then high pitched slower, then low pitch slower… SHUT THAT MACHINE UP! Then the supporting staff behind the curtain were talking, and I could hear everything as if they were talking to me, and yelling because I was across the room. I was pretty done with the whole experience by this point, but had another 10 minutes or so of the loud annoyances. I’m bringing ear plugs or headphones next time. Not just to silence the clinic, but they play country music. BLECH! Might as well just fill my ears with farts.
I have another infusion appointment in a month from now. I don’t feel any better this time. They said I might feel worse after the first treatment, and I certainly have been hurting a lot more. My foot isn’t necessarily bothering me as much, but I have a whole mess of aches and pains everywhere else that are getting their turns to scream at me, now.
I’m going to take a low dose of Naltrexone, so get ready for a testimonial on that stuff. It’s supposed to be pretty good for CRPS. Wish me luck!