Most of us aren’t leaders. Statistically, that’s just the way it is. But a lot of you who are leaders are quite reluctant to be in that group.

We grow up knowing that entrepreneurs eat risk-taking for lunch and we never question it. But leaders do, too. There are inherent risks in each. The risks are just different.

Borrowing money, signing your name to big documents, and promising clients outlandish things is what entrepreneurs do and call it risky. But sitting down with that attitude-challenged employee, deciding on bonuses, or sifting through resumes is where the real risks lie.

Tricking People Into a Conference Session

I spoke at a conference one time and unwittingly tricked people with a title. (I say “unwitting” because I believe that truth in advertising is particularly appropriate when titling presentations lest attendees vote with their feet and leave within a few minutes). This presentation was entitled Insulating Yourself from Management. As I discovered later, the title itself was a huge draw, because managers the world over are looking for ways to get out of it. Out of managing, that is. The benefits of management (prestige, control, money) are enough to keep them managing so that employment remains intact, but there are parts of their lives they would gladly give up and management is at the top of that list.

My perspective is that management is more about making distinguishing decisions in an environment not conducive to it than it is about putting systems in place that effectively “self-manage” people. If self-management were effective, a lot of you would be less grumpy, and unless we recognize our tendency to insulate ourselves from the down and dirty side of management, we will waste precious effort on systems that are doomed to fail from the start.

Quit Trying to Insulate Yourself from Managing

Think for a second about insulation. The more effectively certain products insulate, the more consumers are willing to pay for them. The “R” value of home insulation, the mug that is still steaming when you pull into the parking lot, the airliner with engines that just seem to turn without any sound. All of these products are valuable.

Many of our management practices, too, are meant to insulate us from the need to manage. They are disguised as “good management” when in fact they are not. For example, we create over-complicated employee manuals so that we can point to a page when any question surfaces. Or we install a simple formula for bonuses and invoke it once a year just before Christmas.

We don’t dare think of this as a great way to “manage” people. “Distinguishing decisions” are the choices you make about how well people are living up to their potential, or where your firm should head in the future, or what risk to take on that new direction, or what kind of employee to hire. If you are typical, you have a sense about where to head with each decision, but fear of some sort is holding you back. But not trusting your instincts leads to inaction, a choice—and yes it is a choice—typically worse than the wrong but more proactive choice.

We cannot work too hard to avoid the inevitable grayness otherwise called management. Instead, we should be trying to do the right thing, looking for ways to clarify our own plans for this firm so closely tied to our own identity. After all that deliberation, in the end you must step back and do it because it’s the right thing. Or at least because you think it might be, which could very well be as much certainty as you’ll get.

As tempting as it might be, though, managing people is one of the things you can never delegate. Managing people could be one of the more painful things you do, though. Sure, establishing systems is perplexing, but the implications of failure are more mental and financial, not personal or ethical. The management environment, though, is a complex task that’s always just a bit out of reach. And worst of all, it seldom moves from gray into black and white. It’s hard to know that you’ve done the right thing, and doing the right thing is a deeper concern in this arena than your other areas of responsibility.

We make time for the things we enjoy. We defer the things we don’t. For most leaders, managing people fits into the latter category. But after all is said and done, management is really listening, being decisive, pulling yourself out of the details so that management happens, making distinguishing decisions, etc.

Leading is not like running a nuclear reactor, where lots of instruction is essential ahead of time. It’s more like learning to throw a frisbee. If you want to improve, the key is to do it, listening to a few principles in the background as you trim the trees with those initially errant shots.

If You Want to Be A Better Leader

First, Just Do It. Unhealthy management environments are marked by managers who are doing the work of the firm instead of managing the people of the firm. It’s not that they are bad managers but rather that they aren’t managing. No one is steering the ship, charting a course, or providing direction. You are a better manager than you think. Just start doing it, exercising your management muscle before it turns to fat.

Second, Get a Therapist. Any personal struggles will boil over into your management experience. If you are struggling with your personal significance, intent on controlling every aspect of life, or highly fearful of confrontation, working through those issues will be time well spent.

I remember sitting with two married principals of a 25-person firm. During the debriefing process, I looked to the woman in the pair, and with my pulse racing offered this feedback: “The employees find you intimidating and harsh. Because of that, you are having trouble coaxing them. They are hurting after their interactions with you, and feeling dispirited.” She reacted very strongly and claimed to not see it at all. She didn’t understand how anybody could feel that way. I added that I could understand, because I was feeling the same way, and I was not someone who was easily intimidated!

The meeting went on for another hour, during which she said very little, and I admired my own foresight in getting a rental car so that I wouldn’t have to walk to the airport. I packed up and began to leave the conference room. She asked if she could walk me to the parking garage. I gulped and said yes, wishing I had written a farewell note to my wife and hidden it somewhere on my body.

We walked for three blocks before anything happened. Then she began to cry very quietly and said: “You’re right. Thanks for having the courage to say something.” She turned around without saying another word, and we parted ways.

I didn’t want to say anything to her, and I wasn’t sure I had all the facts straight. But to go back to the first point, you must act before you are certain or you will always wait too long. Certainty is not a luxury you have when it comes to management, and chasing it will lead to analysis-paralysis on your part.

Third, Get a Life. Quit trying to please everyone, particularly employees. Don’t be afraid of them. Find cheaper ways to make friends. Make work only a small portion of your life so that you can put it into perspective and not become a hostage.

Most of you are looking for the wrong things from your job. Almost all of you are afflicted with S.D.D. (stimulation deficit disorder), compounded by a nearly constitutional belief that you have the right to find the cure in your work.

Let’s face it, okay? You only have clients because you haven’t yet figured out how to make money without them. Clients are benefactors, and if they quit letting you do the stuff you want to do, you quickly tire of them and discard the relationship like yesterday’s newspaper. That’s because you live for your work and have come to crave the outlet it provides you. The world would be a very different place if every worker demanded the same level of stimulation that you do. Expecting too much stimulation from your work results in compromised business decisions. How would your management of people be different if your job was more just a job because you had more of a life outside work? Remember what you used to do for creative stimulation outside your current vocation? Maybe it was flying, photography, painting, travel, reading, or surfing. Whatever it was, you’d have a much healthier business and personal life if you separated the two. Together, there’s too much overlap. Too much confusion. Too many compromises.

Having said that, there is no future whatsoever in having a job that you don’t enjoy. But demanding that your job be enjoyable, and then making decisions to protect that aspect of it, may very well backfire. Some times hard work that’s just good, honest, grinding hard work is good for the soul. It teaches us discipline, appropriateness, and measured contribution. Oh, and best of all, it can fund a very fun personal life apart from work! Is it time for you to treat your business more like a business, and your personal life more like something you’d never trade for anything?

Fourth, Articulate Your Personal Vision. What do you want to do when you grow up? How does your business fit into that plan? How does that translate into a certain necessary level of management on your part to get to that point? It’s a sloppy process, but hang in there. Be honest with yourself and then courageous about the choices that surface. Leadership is really about having the courage to act on your instincts, after which other doors will open for you and you’ll see things that were not available to you in the past.

Learn to Live With Your Reluctance

Bad managers who don’t want to improve will get worse as time passes, but bad managers who want to improve actually do improve. That’s probably why effective managers tend to be confident, humble, and patient.

True leadership is always mixed with some reluctance because it’s always messy. But you must move beyond your reluctance to lead, recognizing that you’ll never shed that reluctance that properly comes from wanting to know you’ve done the right thing.

David provides free resources for business insight for the expert firm at http://www.recourses.com.