Fire Can’t Burn the Memories and Icy Waters Won’t Numb the Hurt
Fire has an intimate aura. Something about it casts you into a sense of desire and lust. It sparks flame between two people. There’s just something about it that attracts you to it, and refuses to let go of you. Its hypnotic flames bring you into a world of rage and desire. The flames dance and sway in a seductive manner to the eye of a person, capturing them in a way they’ve never knew existed.
The flame dances on the wick of the tall candle, my finger tip touching and playing with the flame. My eyes are fixed upon it. I feel a mixture of hatred and desire pulse through my veins. All I can think about is him. The fire reminds me of him. I hate him. At the same time I cannot stop wanting him to be mine. My heart is torn in two ways; I love him so strongly that I can’t get him out of my head, but when I do think about him all I can think about is what he’s done in the past. He’s changed I know that, but part of me can’t put that aside.
I still stand in the dim lit room. Candle flames and the fire place are the only form of light. It’s been four hours since the power went out. A silent tear falls from my eye. I can’t take it. My heart shatters in my chest; I’m torn in ways that can’t be fixed. I look up and find him standing in the shadows looking at me. He looks different. His face reveals what he feels. It’s not an unreadable mask like usual. His look is hurt and longing. I look into his eyes and find my emotions reflected back at me.
I break away from his gaze. I can’t look at him. I refuse to look at him. Another tear escapes my eyes. This time I feel it being swept away by a gentle touch. I look up and find a pair of sorrowful silver eyes looking at me and soft perfect not smiling lips. His black shaggy hair slung out of his eyes makes me break open. I can’t stop the tears from falling anymore. My heart shatters into a million pieces. His hand grazes my cheeks and lifts my face to see his, but I shove his hand away. I turn my back to him and practically run to the door. I open it to snow falling silently amongst the dark. I walk out into the cold Christmas night. The cold bites my hands and feet first before finally freezing the tears falling from my eyes.
I walk out farther into the inches of snow off the steps and following the snow covered path to the woods. The full moon shines brightly amongst the stars, making the snow glow beautifully. Step after step I walk farther into the woods. Snowflakes landing on my hair, shirt, jeans, face and everything they can touch, melting soon after. My feet start to go numb after awhile, exactly the way I want to feel. Numb. No more pain. No more feeling like I’m always going to feel this way. No more of my heart being ripped and shattered. My feet brought me to the oh-so-familiar place I always go to. So many memories occurred in the gazebo. It’s hard to forget this place even if I wanted to.
The hard wood floor creaked under my feet as I stepped onto it. The roof protected me from the snow, but not the cold creeping into my bones. I walked to the center of the gazebo and fell apart again. I let the hole in my chest break wide open. Tears flooded from my eyes, my breathing grew rapid until I was gasping for air. I ran my hands through my hair trying to stop the pain, but it kept coming. I walked to the rail blocking the gazebo from the small lake. I got up on the railing and balanced myself on the slippery bar. Maybe if I go for a swim it’d stop the pain. Only for a second though then I’ll get out as soon as I jump in. I thought thinking about how the icy water would take away the pain, No. what if I can’t get out? Then I’m screwed.
I went to get off the railing, the icy water swallowed me whole. The icy water felt like knives against my skin, knocking the wind out of me. I kicked and thrashed at the water trying to reach the surface. The icy water wasn’t letting me go so easy and pulled me down deeper into its freezing depth. The coldness ran through every part of my body. My lungs were on fire from the lack of air. I kicked and fought through the slushy surface, finally breaking free of the deadly water. I gasped for the cold air only to have it freeze my lungs. I pushed through the water to the snow covered shore.
I climbed out of the water and fell into the snow, every inch of my body numb and cold. I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t move; my hair was ice cold and my hands turning blue. I was so tired of the fight to get to shore. All I wanted to do was sleep. I would find myself occasionally drifting off into a light slumber and I’d have to jerk myself awake, “Deson, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
