The Problem with English Majors
If you have ever taken an English course with English majors you probably found yourself confused, hating life, and mumbling malicious names under your breath. Right? Well let me introduce to you world of English majors in which we gain our reputation as being pompous asshole.
- We over analyze everything.
We can’t help it. It is embedded in our soul and corrupted our ability to think. We cannot accept that a grey sky is merely a grey sky. To us, the grey sky symbolizes the menacing gloom lingering over the small town foreshadowing a dark event that is soon to be revealed. It is our job to find deeper meaning that goes beyond the words. Even that stupid marble that Tom Sawyer obtains has meaning that reflects upon the loss of innocence.
2. We edit everything.
We are born editors. Through the course of our degree, we have edited so many pieces of writing that we do it without realizing it. Oh cool, Grandma took time and hand wrote a letter! Don’t worry give us 10 minutes and her friendly letter will be no more. Instead we are left with a formal greeting with flawless grammar. (Grandma, I know you don’t like me that much, but that southern triple negative about killed me.) Text messages are even worse. It is not that we don’t want to talk to you, it just takes us a while to decipher your ill-use of the English language. So keep your thumbs under control and wait patiently because you only did it to yourself.
3. We are creatively wordy.
We cannot just say “Beth fell asleep.” That is too simple. Instead we found ourselves writing something along the lines of: “Drifting in and out of consciousness, Beth finds herself balancing between the reality of knowing he will never be hers and the dreamland in which he awaits arms open wide waiting for her to revive his once wilted heart. Slowly as her heavy eyes close to join him, the corners of her soft lips curl into a smile and Beth leaves reality.” See? Creative wordy talent is what we have. It is not our fault that we were granted with such talents.
4. WE OVER FUCKING ANALYZE EVERYTHING.
Wait, wasn’t this already listed? Yes. Yes it was. Why you ask? BECAUSE WE OVER ANALYZE FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!
The questions on tests, the text messages we receive, the posters hanging on the wall, why Shakespeare’s comedies really are not funny for the most part, and especially how one English major gets away with stealing two adjectives directly from the cover of a novel (“profound and haunting”) and use those to describe the book to the professor (who happens to be holding the exact same copy of the book). Don’t worry, the student got away with it and has never lived that glorious moment down. #ForeverALegend It is what we do! We are forced to break down every piece of literature and attempt to find a deeper meaning among the limited amount of words. It is infuriating when taking a test or a quiz because the language may be interpreted in many different ways. Or when someone is telling a story and unconsciously you over think about what the underlining lines are in the story. We have forgotten how to just take things at face value. THERE IS ALWAYS A FUCKING DEEPER MEANING!!!
5. We are professional bullshitters.
With our quick wit and manipulation we can easily confuse and force you to believe that we know what we are talking about. Our vocabulary sometimes amazes even us as we watch students eyes bulge with the use of a powerful vocabulary. It is not that we enjoy doing so, but when you forget to keep up with the reading and the professor asks you if you have any questions you have to stay on your toes. You learn to bullshit your way through the day. For example, if a character obviously dies in the novel one may ask this simple question: “So the dad dies, but how does he REALLY die?” They’ll never know that you don’t truly know how he dies literally, but you will be soon.
These are a few of the problems of an English major, but spend a semester in our lives and you would understand our struggle. Just try not to be too jealous as we make you feel inadequate; we don’t ALWAYS do it on purpose. ;)