To My Parents:
I want you to know that there is no easy way of expressing this. If this sounds harsh to you, please note that this is probably just the way I communicate with written words.
This is a letter to both my mom and dad. I know they probably won’t read this, but in the rare chance that they do, I want them to understand something absurd by their standards.
I do not expect you to understand at one skim, nor do I expect you to confront me in an abrupt fashion you usually urges onto. But you are my parents at the end of every day, and I respect you nonetheless.
I was never a good kid. There is a portion of my life as your son that I am not proud of. Whether you recalled it or not, it all started when I was 16. Finally for the first time in my life, I get to experience the bustling dynamics of a metropolis. Its not far from home, but it is far enough to change me. In those spectrum of days, I begin to think differently. I learned about many things that you alienate when I was in walking distance from home, wrapping this alien realities in something resembling danger. In the naïve intention of keeping me safe, you urges yourself to fuel me with a hint of hatred in order to keep the bad away.
You shaped me to see the good and the bad in the world only through your eyes, forgot that you should have given me the chance to use my own. However, thanks to the freedom of flow of information granted to me by technology, all those keep crushing onto me like a stormy wave in the brink of my sanity.
I learned about how people are different. I learned that different is not bad. I learned that different is not dangerous. I learned about drugs. I learned about alcohol. I learned about sex. I learned about other religious views. I learned about prejudices. I learned about dealing with people. I learned about different political views. I learned it all. I learned it all through other medium that was never my own parents.
In your absence I understand something that you should too: that nothing is purely dangerous. Knowing and learning about them is never dangerous. Getting too deep on it could perhaps be of danger, but there’s nothing more dangerous than the bliss of ignorance towards the world.
You have always taught me to overcome mistakes. I made a lot, and I now realize that it is normal, and I should have made more. Every mistakes I made was condemned by you and I always feel like I should have been apologizing for being born at the end of every wrongs I made. I become insecure, and constantly afraid. I never get the chance to prove myself because I was afraid of the potential mistakes that will get me. You can never expect me to believe in myself if you never taught me how, or how you never showed it in yourself.
I remember when I was going around a magazine filling out quizzes, I was making noise about going an extra mile in sending my result off to the publisher, and I was at the same time nervous of what would happen if my name came up on TV as one of the winner and how my friends would tease me. Do you remember what you said? Under your breath and on your phone, not making eye contact to me, you said that people going over these entries are peasants and there is no chance that I would even make it to TV so I shouldn’t bother.
I was 9 at the moment, and ever since that day I have never put my passion in anything. I never compete in anything, I never tried my best anymore. Simply because I shouldn’t bother at all. But then you punish me for doing this, unaware that you brought this to me. You blamed me for everything that is even slightly wrong about me.
I know at this point of you reading, you will easily deflect me with something that sounds like “You were never a parent or as old as we are, you will know when you get through this, you have no idea.”
I have to say for the sake of us that you are wrong. I know I haven’t had one minute of experience as a parent to understand this, but I have years of experience as a child that always felt overlooked and overwhelmed when it is time to go to sleep. I have every idea to talk about this.
I am 19, and I could say I learn a lot more than people my age. No matter how loud you preached your beliefs towards me, what I will learn eventually is what actions you took. You told me once to always respect other people but you constantly degrade people less than you, as if they are not the people you meant on your predefined lecture. That waiter that misses your order is also people. That driver who cuts your line is also people. That son of yours, is also people.
What infuriates me is that, these disrespectful act you threw to people grows in me. I become that douchebad that couldn’t respect other people and treat everyone as less than me. As much fun I get from that, I know deep down that this is never the way.
For the last part of this, I want you to know what I planned for my future.
At some point of my life, I would probably going to have someone who will spend the rest of my life with. But I will not allow that special person inside our household if things are still the way it is. I will never let the love of my life to be commented on things that they couldn’t change or that they are born with. I could not let the family criticize their life based on one or two judgements that they made. I wouldn’t let them inside our life if things stay as bad as I recalled. And by them, I also include my future child.
But I can assure you that I am sane enough to know what is right and wrong, based on the principal of societal and communal living. I will jump aside the religious radicalism that runs in our family and lean towards the spectrum of truth on a more objective scale. I am sorry if this is not what you hoped of me, but this is what I want to teach my childrens.
I will do things my way. I will do things differently than you guys did. I will do things based on what is right for the needs of many. Religion will not take part of this. I would do everything based on the sole basis of absolute right or wrong. I will keep my faith and religious views to myself, and nobody needs to know my good deeds as much as they didn’t have to know my sins. I needed you to trust me on this, because my journey will not be easy, and if you can’t trust me after all these years then I have no other people to hang on to.
Please understand that the reason behind this deviation of will is not as a sign to disrespect you. I became of this because I see the world differently than you taught me. I looked at the world as it is, not as I wanted to. I became an activist that I am because people need help in changing themselves, and I will start with you guys.
These are not everything. There is more, and there are other time and place that I think would be best to talk about the remainings. But not here, not now.
I may love you differently, but I love you nonetheless.