Hornets Noticeably Scarier than Murder Hornets

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Photo by Max Muselmann on Unsplash

Stubbed Toe Hornet

This hornet only stings the big and little toe. Typically strikes those who dare to be barefoot. Can sting through a tennis shoe but not a steel-toed boot. Depending on the size of the hornet’s stinger, it can bruise a toenail or even sheer it straight off. Not only physically stings its victims, but also stings their mood, which can potentially set in motion the ruination of an entire 24-hour day. This is just awful, isn’t it?

Bull’s Horn Hornet

The only way to kill this hornet is with deft fingers by grabbing both stingers in mid-air and bringing them down to the ground. If you don’t take this hornet down, its teeny tiny body can flip upwards of 185 to 225 lbs. gouging out intestines in the process with one fatal swoop.

Heroin Hornet

This hornet keeps coming back daily to inject you with heroin for weeks, months, and years. Before you know it, then one day it doesn’t show up and you kick the bucket from addiction withdrawals with grand hallucinations like swarms of hornets covering your entire body. Has never seen the movie Trainspotting so don’t ask.

Billionaire Hornet

Pierces a hole right through your wallet and takes your money before sucking you dry. That’s right, they suck, and they sting, citing handling fees and shipping costs in the process. Most notable body features are not black stripes, but more of a gold tinge than a yellow body and an ever-fluctuating stock market index on its back.

Scary Kid Hornet

This hornet looms when you’re working in the garden and unexpectedly hovers 12 feet, 6 feet, and then inches from your waist before striking below the chest. Only under a microscope can one see its malevolent smile and dark circles under their eyes.

Hedgehog Hornet

With 47 stingers there is no way one can get away without getting stung at least 27 times. Your guard will come down when you see how cute it is and that’s when they strike. They have two speeds: slow, cute, and cuddly, and supersonic speeds over virtually any terrain.

Superhero Hornet

Will land right in front of you with a superhero landing and then fly up slowly, boiling with sweet vengeance and justice. The biggest identifier is a really cute tiny cape flapping between its wings. If you try to swat this hornet, it will punch a hole straight through your hand. They’re always buzzing an epic orchestral superhero song; duh duh duh da da, dun dunta da!

Hitman Hornet

A hornet that is contractually obligated to kill. This only cold-blooded hornet on the planet is attracted to big cities with plenty of political intrigues. Its cool sleek black threads and extended silencer stinger make it easy to spot in large groups of regular hornets. It is naturally found in bushes, or on top of buildings, or behind bushes on top of buildings and shoots its stinger with extreme precision at vital arteries.

Tarantino Hornet

Mr. Yellow-Black with two samurai sword stingers which both slices and stings its victims simultaneously. It only kills people with the name of Bill. They’re attracted to nesting inside hot juicy cheeseburgers. This hornet induces a lengthy bloody death that can last up to 165 minutes which feels a little bit too long as you sit through it.

Timothée Chalamet Hornet

Formerly known as the Orlando Bloom Hornet, and before that the Steve McQueen Hornet. With three dead sexy eyes with looks that kill, this hornet can strike from a distance, as far as a photo can be seen, or most notably from across a room. Don’t let this hornet charm you into a bedroom or you will wake up alone feeling used and unloved which will ultimately physically break your heart. The first symptom will be large blubbering tears, then chest pain, and then shortness of breath.

Written by

Adam is a fat farting topless prancer, aware underwear wearer, donut dreamer, and wordsmith. Website: https://www.adamsteininger.com

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