Dealing With Grief That Doesn’t Feel Like Yours
How do you cope with death when it doesn’t feel like you have the right to grieve?
On Sunday, someone I know passed away. I was scrolling through Twitter in the afternoon when I saw the tweet, and then I burst into tears. I called a friend who I know knew him personally and he confirmed it. I was actually too stunned to move for a while.
I met Mubarak a total of three times and spoke directly with him twice. The first time was at a Usable meetup in March. A few weeks after that, he sent me a message about a HCD course he was taking. He needed a team of people and wanted to know if I’d be interested. We created the team (him, Early, Silm, Fari and me). We first spoke at the second team meeting (he couldn’t be at the first) at Maryland Mall. We were trying to choose a problem for our project. We argued for the easier ones, but Mubarak insisted on doing the one that would have the most impact.
The third and last time I saw him, we were talking about work and I mentioned that I was having difficulties recruiting users for something I was working on and he offered to test for me.
Since I heard the news, I have been randomly bursting into tears because it doesn’t make sense to me. How can someone so full of life and hope and plans just be gone. Why? How?
I was at the memorial at Hotels NG, but I couldn’t stay till the end because I was overwhelmed by my emotions. By all accounts, Mubarak was a great person, and from our limited conversations, I could tell that he just wanted to make things work and do things that are of use to people. I’ve heard stories about his kindness, humility, and his willingness to help. People have written many many tear inducing tributes.
It’s been more than a week and I still haven’t been able to process this. It doesn’t feel like I have the “right” to be so upset about his passing. I didn’t really know him. I can’t say he was my friend. We were barely acquaintances. Maybe we’d have finished the project we started and we’d have become friends.
Maybe there’s no point to this post. The title pretty much sums it up: how do you deal with grief that doesn’t feel like yours?
