U N F R I E N D I N G

Friendships. I’m not the kind of person who calls people my best friend, bestie, day one, etc. Sure, I’ve had friends that I’ve known for years and were great parts of my life at one point in time and over the years we’ve either grown closer or grown apart.This is natural. It happens. It’s always a weird situation for me when someone I was very close with becomes a stranger. Life happens and I get it but I think its important to retain bonds that you have with a person.

Going into my first year of high school I became really good friends with a girl. From the first time we met we realized we had so much in common. We were at the same school, and had alot of classes together. Throughout our four years we hung out after school and on weekends. By the time we both graduated and entered college in the same city, our friendship seemed to take a step to the back. For me, I had to focus on the balance of being a full-time student working retail and a relationship with my then boyfriend. She and I still had similar interest and when I would realize that I didn’t see her in a while I would reach out to see if we could do lunch or dinner after work. My request to meet up were frequently met with, “I can’t” or some lame excuse to back out at the last minute. I stand firm in the belief that if you really want to meet up with someone or if you really want to do something you will find a way. No matter how busy she was , she conveniently found a way to reach out to me and link with me anytime she needed my work discount. I also stand firm in the belief that if you only know me when you need something, then you really don’t know me. Your. Not. Going. To. Use. Me. This started to bother me and I stopped responding to her requests for my discount. The issue was never the discount. I made it an issue when the underlying issue for me was ‘Why aren’t we as close as we once were? Why am I the only one trying to maintain this friendship? We went through a period of not speaking. I didn’t hate her. I just didn’t want to try anymore. In that period where we didn’t speak or hang out, I began to develop friendships with people at work, in my major and people I met along the way. I didn’t consider her an enemy just a friend that I didn’t see often.

One day I got an e-vite from her and she was having a move out party. She was parting ways with a roommate and moving into her own place. They both wanted to have one last hurrah before parting ways. I was down for it. Back in the day (high school times) we had so much fun crashing parties and getting into ridiculous situations. That did the trick. We both had so much fun that night and caught up. It brought me back to the quote I hear people say about true friends not needing to speak everyday. They can go months not speaking and then pick up where they left off. Well its not exactly where we left off but close. We never spoke about what happened between us but we did make a few attempts to hang out with her friends and then mine. She was still fun but I did see some changes in her. Some great and some really annoying that I would rather not deal with. No one is perfect. She was growing just as I was. We were on the same path to discovering womanhood, adulthood and every other piece of bullshit that comes along with you being in your twenties.

In the past year my friendships with people who were really close to me seem to have faded. I see it and I think about it on so many levels. First I think, I’m on a journey obviously and not everyone is gonna ride with me. Which is cool since I know I don’t want to or simply can’t sit as a passenger on their journey all the time. I know that 2014 was a year of change for me. Literally everything changed. My living situation, relationships, work, my way of thinking and my value system. At the same time when I noticed my failing friendships I had to think maybe I’m not being a good friend to other people. I truly think that I am a good friend. I help others when I can and sometimes I help to the detriment of my own being. I listen, but yes, I do judge my friends. Many people don’t like to admit that they judge but I can’t lie. I judge. I know I am judged. I have a reputation with a few of my friends. They call me vanilla because when I explain some parts of my life its a yawnfest. Very blah with no highlight or contour. Whats wrong with vanilla though? Everybody likes vanilla! You cant go wrong with vanilla! Anyway, back to those failing friendships. Those failing friendships made me want to examine them all and see if anything could be repaired. Jealous friend? Nope. Fairweather friend? Perhaps. As I evaluated these relationships I did have to take responsibility for my role. My role where I let things go on for too long. Some people can brag about how easy it is to cut people off when they mess up. For me it’s just not that simple. I give chances. I feel like I have to go through and grow through things with a person before I can come to the conclusion that someone is a fucked up friend. I let a lot of situations go undiscussed and then it comes to one situation that becomes the last straw and I blow up. In my defense, they usually had it coming to them. They earned the tongue lashing that they received. How long have I been dealing with your shit? Don’t be mad now! I am also coming into that age where you realize you have a handful of friends that you really can depend on and that phrase my mom would say, “ Show me your friends and I will show you who you are.” or “Birds of a feather flock together.” make all the sense in the world.

Friendship 101

It’s normal to have certain friends for certain occasions. I have turn up friends and I have after work networking friends. I have travel friends. Some times they over lap and its great…and sometimes it’s a mess.
You can’t be my bestie if we met a month ago. We gotta get to really know each other through situations.
I don’t have a best friend. My mom was my best friend. She knew me, I knew her. We encouraged each other and were honest even when it hurt. That’s rare to find now
Go through things. Grow through things.
Your boyfriend/girlfriend friends are not your friends.
Like any relationship, a friendship is work between two people. You both have to do things to preserve it.
Does this friend make me a better person? Do I make them a better person? Do our conversations have depth?
UNFRIENDING is natural
Despite what you see on Housewives & Love & Hip Hop all conflict and misunderstandings do not lead to confrontation that involves drink throwing, and hair pulling.