12 Rules for Life – Review Part 1
I was waiting for my flight to Malta some months ago. I still had time to kill, and despite having a book I was in the middle of reading, I browsed a bit in one of the bookshops. In the ‘Non-Fiction’ section were a lot of empowering books, some about finances and investment, others describing how to work smarter, and amongst these was a book that I had no idea would bring about a lot of emotions. That book is “12 Rules for Life” by Jordan B. Peterson.
Before I review, I want to share a few things about myself. I’m a female Senior Data Scientist, and I was born and raised in Malta, an island south of Sicily. Many mistake Malta and her people for being Italians or that we speak Italian. Only a handful of people I meet know that we speak Maltese and are not colonised anymore. Others have never heard of Malta in the first place, and most think that the island is so tiny that people live in one house or that the seashore is the pavement attached to the house and that we live backwards. I attended state schools and lived with my parents before leaving Malta. The privileges I enjoyed during my childhood were limited to what the government offered to the people, and yes, that included second-hand books to learn maths. My parents worked hard so my brother and I could have a chance at a better life, which often meant leaving their dreams aside.
And yet, when I read the book, I couldn’t help but relate to most arguments put forth by Jordan, except one particular rule. In this article, I want to share the emotions stirred when I read the book. At Rule 11, I wanted to tear the book into million pieces, but more on that in another article.
Firstly, in his foreword, Jordan writes:
Ideologies are substitutes for true knowledge, and ideologues are always dangerous when they come to power, because a simple-minded I-know-it-all approach is no match for the complexity of existence.
The above is what convinced me to read the book for two things. It sets the tone and speaks the truth. One of the remarkable things about Peterson is that he says the unpopular truth, even if it marks him as a monster, which he’s not. He often makes remarks about women, and I have listened to his arguments and torn them apart, and I cannot exhaustively disagree or agree with him. Yes, you read it correctly. I am a woman in STEM who fought discrimination, yet his arguments have a truce.
The book speaks about 12 rules that, according to Jordan, one must abide by to avoid chaos. I read many reviews, and the takeaway from these rules is not in the literal rule per se but in the context of the rule in your life. Not all rules may apply to you, but that doesn’t mean the rule is meaningless.
Rule 1: Stand up straight with your shoulders back.
Okay, we should follow this rule literally. However, it is also a metaphor. When a human straightens their posture (I use they because a human can be a she, and I shall not be biased), it is usually in two scenarios:
A. To take a stand – when you say something unpopular or stand alone, but you stand your ground. Without thinking about it, we tend to stand straight to look taller, powerful and, most importantly, confident.
B. To stand Proud – anyone who wins an award based on merit stands proud, tall, wanting to stand out. Slouching is usually associated with low self-esteem as opposed to standing tall.
So Rule number one motivates you to
Speak your mind. Put your desires forward, as if you had a right to them
because you do!
Rule 2: Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping
There is a lot of hype, and rightly so, that encourages and motivates people to focus on themselves, to put themselves and their needs first, not because it is selfish, but because you are responsible for yourself.
One should NOT expect someone else to stop their life and rescue them. The only human beings who can be justified for not being responsible for themselves are children. Anything else is either a sign that one needs professional counselling or, if not, someone seeks attention because they don’t give it to themselves.
Until now, all is well and good, but for some reason, Jordan argues that women have high standards for men. Specifically, he writes:
Most men do not meet female human standards. It is for this reason that women on dating sites rate 85% of men as below average in attractiveness.
I would like to know if Jordan Peterson received feedback on this comment. But indeed, if he did, he must also acknowledge the unrealistic standards forced upon women. What is left out, willingly or otherwise, is that there are also standards that females are subjected to reach male human standards. For many years women were subjected to rules and standards they must conform to be accepted; marriage-material and anything else is not enough.
A man ages like wine in most cases, whereas the second a woman gets pregnant, the changes her body undergoes can be irreversible. That is not to say that a woman loses her beauty, but for the most part, a woman’s body is described as “post-partum”, “saggy breasts”, “loose skin”, “stretch marks”, and so on. Beauty standards encourage women to get their bodies “back”. The key is in the word “back”. That pre-pregnancy body that met most of the standards instead of a healthy motherly body that could sustain life, help it grow, give birth, nurse, and care for it. Why do we discuss getting the body “back” instead of moving forward?
You expect the same from others if you are subjected to specific standards. It may seem cold, but it is true. I worked hard to get where I am today, and by my standards, I am happy. I was challenged mentally, sometimes to the point where giving up sounded so peaceful, but I didn’t. Therefore, when I hear someone complaining about their job or life, I don’t tell them, “oh, someone will come and save you”. On the contrary, I share that life can be challenging at times, and the most important thing to do is to acknowledge how you feel and understand what and where your feelings are coming from. Why? Because that’s what I know, that’s the life I experienced, and I can’t possibly suggest otherwise. If someone has been subjected to beauty standards all their life, they learn that those standards matter and begin measuring everyone else using the same ruler. I am NOT saying that this is a problem caused by males, not at all. I am just responding to Jordan’s comment implying that a woman’s high expectation is somewhat unjustified without acknowledging that a man’s high expectations are equally ridiculous.
In the same rule, Jordan used the story of Eden, where Adam and Eve roamed in harmony. It is this argument that makes you stop and acknowledge his intellect. Jordan recalls that the devil, the god of seduction, tricked Eve, who then convinced Adam to do the same. This put Eve on the wrong side of history and Adam as the man deceived by a woman. But Jordan makes a beautiful argument and a realisation I never considered. Eve was tricked by the god of evil, the devil, who invented the seduction rules. On the other hand, Adam was convinced to eat the apple by a woman who, as the bible describes, was born out of his bones. So who is the weak one? Why do we blame Eve when she was deceived by the god of evil and not Adam for not standing up to Eve? Now that is a standing ovation from me to Jordan.
The whole point of this argument was to suggest that because of Adam’s “weak” character who blamed everyone but himself, we, as his descendants seem to consider ourselves unworthy, despite lashing out at everyone else. Deep down, we might think we are not worth saving. But in reality, we are, each one of us. And when you realise that, you will start
to consider what would be truly good for you.
Rule 3: Make friends with people who want the best for you
Brilliant! Moreover, this chapter spoke to me on a different level. Jordan writes:
In a small town everyone knows who you are. You can’t escape who you have been. When you move, everything is up in the air, at least for a while. You get shaken out of your ruts.
I was scared and comforted to read the above. Jordan wrote what I had felt and made me feel normal. Perhaps more people have felt this way, but each feels their weight. What makes this rule an absolute must is the following (I kept the words as he wrote them because I couldn’t write them better):
If you surround yourself with people who support your upward aim, they will not tolerate your cynicism and destructiveness. They will instead encourage you when you do good for yourself. People who are not aiming up will do the opposite. They will become jealous when you succeed, or do something pristine. They will withdraw their presence or support or actively punish you for it. They will over-ride your accomplishment with a past action, real or imaginary of their own. They are dragging you down because your new improvements cast their faults in an even dimmer light.
It may take months or even years to unmask those who appear supportive but are not. Yet, it would be best if you did everything possible to unravel their true colours. It is scary, but the people who stay in your life are all you’ll need to go through anything.
Rule 4: Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today
Remarkable! I learned this lesson later than ideal, but better late than never. The path that led to the lesson was rocky, but only when I realised that each challenge helped me grow could I focus on my path and mine alone. I would have learned this lesson earlier if I had read this book ten years ago. Jordan wrote:
But winning at everything might only mean that you’re not doing anything new or difficult. You might be winning but you’re not growing and growing might be the most important form of winning.
Once you learn this, I promise your mental health will begin to heal. You no longer fight with your expectations measured against others. No. You start measuring your PROGRESS that would, most certainly, exceed your expectations. Because only when you start to listen to yourself will you learn what works or doesn’t. Having a relationship with yourself is not selfish but healthy. Understanding the hours during which you are more likely to focus against the hours your mind naps out. Learning to acknowledge you need a break, a walk, or a conversation about something. Most of the time, we feel overwhelmed and about to give up. But in truth, it is ourselves saying, “Please hear me, I’m tired, don’t push further because you’re going into fight-flight mode”. Learning that you have control, but you’re also human. Understanding that sometimes having a goal is more motivating than feeling like going around in circles. Jordan writes a romantic way how to go about working with yourself and not against:
Let the tasks for the day announce themselves for your contemplation. Ask yourself for a voluntary contribution. If you ask nicely and listen carefully, and don’t try any treachery, you might be offered one. Do this every day, for a while. Then do it for the rest of your life. Soon you will find yourself in a different situation. Now you will be asking yourself, habitually, “What could I do, that I would do, to make Life a little better?
The first time I did this exercise was during the second year of my doctorate. I wanted to quit. I was tired, confused, lost and outright miserable. I began listing why I felt that way, what the issues were, how I would solve them and what I needed to do. Luckily, my family were waiting for our Australian relatives to visit, and I was one of the drivers. I told my family I would spend these two weeks with them, and if I didn’t change my mind by the end, I would quit the doctorate. It turned out I needed the break more than to quit. I realised that I loved what I was doing, and I had to accept that there would be challenges along the way and that I needed the RIGHT MINDSET to get through them. I still faced the same questions later, but I kept doing the same exercise and asked again, “what would I do to make it better?”. Completing the doctorate landed me a job that I feel excited to wake up to.
To journey happily may well be better than to arrive successfully…
Rule 5: Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them.
This chapter was mind-boggling for me. The title encourages dangerous arguments. For a parent raised in a strict household, having a child who wants to learn the progressive ways of living may be challenging. Worse, if a child attends a school where they learn different ways of living, such as living sustainably, which is a legit good way of upbringing the young generation, they may challenge the ways of their parents. I understand if this argument reflects destructive behaviour, but it wasn’t clear. He adds:
Limit the rules and use the least force necessary to enforce those rules.
I hope he means that one should focus on principles and values.
The above five rules are the first of twelve rules for life set out by Jordan Peterson, and in the following article, I will comment on and discuss the next six. Remember that for Rule 11, there will be a separate article. Why? I had a lot to say about it…
