Feel A Lost Somehow

It was started by amounts of argues. Then it came across a notion that I’m a loner. Alone and lonely more than stuck in the most emptiest room. Probably, it’s time to stop standing for you, stop being the one who stay at your lowest point and happy when you having achievement. Stop being somebody for you and leave you for good.

It’s not a shackled depression that detaining your activities on regular basis. I’ve been exhausted of fighting. Perhaps it was us who don’t fit to each others.

I let you go.

Eventually, you’ve gone, just disappear like there’s no such person like you walk upon this earth, and frankly, it was such a relieve. It’s no longer you in my small room.

A view from my room

There’s no more your garments in the closet, your screwdriver collections when I pull drawers, the smell of cigar after you smoke in the toilet has been fade away, replaced by the scent of green tea and solidity. It such a relieve that I don’t have to wash dirty plate, clean up beer cans and empty pizza boxes. Wines and liquors are stored in the rack, and my fridge always full.

I live in this heart of big city, when people have similar expression, which is good that I could camouflaging to be the unbreakable person, sardonic type of woman. Sometimes I read the newspaper on the train, buy a bouquet of roses to myself every Wednesday, grab a carton of tea and buy vegan cookies at the corner of station on Friday, go to the bookstore on Sunday. Maybe I look at the finest but, deep down inside I can’t lie, I miss you, but I pretend like it was fine.

On every other night, I spend the loneliest hours watching Netflix and whining on last episode of my favourite series. I used to make out and love with you when you were around or we can talk a lot about how we had enough on episode 6 of Making a Murderer or how we wonder to have a kid like Toothless from Stranger Things. I admit that I’m all that alone.

Sometimes I wish I could revoke my meanest words. Telling you that I was so upset and couldn’t control my words. Back in the days when Sondre Lerche was always on our fondness playlist. I remember we attended his full set concert at the City Hall few times ago. It torn my heart by recalling you whilst I loop one of his track from Please album. At a Loss for Words.

Feel a lost somehow. That you’ve been no longer here, but I long for your arms.

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