But I’m also self-centred

This is the first time in a long time I opened Word. I just feel like I need to write something down. I don’t really write. I have a journal and I write emails, but that’s it. The journal is just rambling, mostly late at night when I can’t sleep.

There’s a lot of stuff in my head but right now nothing’s coming. I already thought that would happen. The stuff in my head is sad. It’s some existential shit, some really deep shit. Sometimes I think ”I should really stop thinking about this”. I think, I think, I think. But at the same time I don’t. Like, I really haven’t used my brain in a way that creates new/useful knowledge lately. I probably feel that way because I stopped going to class earlier this year. It happened really gradually and then suddenly there was this realization that I could just quit university completely. So I did, kind of. Well actually I just continued not going to class and send an email to one of my professors. She is (or was, I don’t really know) also my mentor and had already noticed I wasn’t coming to class. The email I sent her said something about antidepressants and how they’d stopped working. That’s what I believed was happening. Now I don’t really know. You can never really know. These are the things I think when I say it’s some existential shit. I still take those antidepressants. I also started seeing a psychologist. I saw her today. She’s nice. She wears a lot of mascara. That doesn’t say anything about her abilities as a psychologist. Though I don’t really feel better after seeing her. I thought that’s what’s supposed to happen when you see a psychologist. I also don’t get the difference between a therapist and a psychologist. I think a psychologist is more educated? Or has a higher level of education? Like I said, I don’t know. I would google it but I also don’t really care.

She wants me to write down my feelings in situations where I feel uncomfortable. Obviously, my feelings are discomfort. And then she and I analyze those situations and my feelings and why I feel that way and what I think and how maybe I can think in a different way. And then act in a different way, not out of discomfort but out of a more positive feeling or thought. It’s like, I get what she’s trying to do, what I’m supposed to be trying to be doing, but like I said, I don’t feel like it’s really helping. I don’t feel better. I’m mostly at this emotional level of not really feeling anything (that sounds really bad and it is) or feeling sad. I wouldn’t say sad for no reason because there are plenty of reasons to be sad at all times. But sad without a direct cause. Like yesterday. I came home after a long day of work (9 till 5) and I just felt sad. Maybe it happened because I was tired of a long but boring day, maybe it just happened.

I think about how everything I have in my life right now will not be there one day. I don’t like my life as it is right now but I like certain aspects of it. And those aspects will be gone at some point. As will the aspects I don’t like. But I think we have a tendency to only focus on the negative.

One of my favourite colleagues quit last week. I knew she was leaving, and then the day was just there. We hugged and said goodbyes and I left (my shift was over, hers wasn’t). It’s not like we hung out outside of work but she was nice and we could talk, you know? She also said her goodbyes in a grouptext and people sent things back about how they will miss her and how she was a great colleague and it just made me so sad to read those things.

It’s probably an ego thing. It probably made me sad to see her leave because she was a positive part of my life that I believe is mostly filled with negatives. So yeah, it made me sad because I’m self-centred. And that makes me even more sad because no one wants to be regarded as self-centred. You should care, about others, about the world. And I do. But I’m also self-centred.