Please Stop Comparing Donald Trump to Me

by Narcissus, son of the River God Cephisus and nymph Lyriope

Hey everyone…hey there! I said hey! It’s me! Narcissus here. Hunter. Greek. Bae. I know. I know! It’s a lot. Take it in. Yea, sop this shit up. Pretty good, right? Thanks. I know.

Anyway — hey everyone…if you don’t know who I am, (which honestly, I find hard to believe, but let’s pretend), my name is Narcissus, and I’m sorry to have to say it, but the rumors are true — I’m gorge. I’m sorry I couldn’t come say hi sooner — I’ve been pretty busy — have you seen this reflection of mine? By Zeus, it’s really impressive. I mean, just the cheekbones you could spend a week staring into. I’m like a magic eye painting where the regular picture is hot me, and the hidden picture is an even hotter me. I’m like a Greek God over here! Oh hey! I guess I am! Look at that. Go ahead, take it in.

Anyhow, I got a a little break from Hades this afternoon, where, if you were wondering — I do have a full-time gig checking out my boner-iffic reflection in the River Styx, and even though that keeps me pretty busy, I couldn’t help but notice that since last November, there’s been all of this talk about me — everyone’s been all, “Narcissist this, Narcissist that,” and so — I tore myself away from my Ninja Squirrel-hot reflection to check out what all the fuss was about, and honestly, I’m a little dismayed by what I’ve found. Lucky for me, dismay-face is one of my hotter ones.

So I’m sitting here at the union square liquiteria looking up all the fuss on my 7” barnes and noble nook, and it turns out it’s not about me at all! But all the talk is comparing this grumpy old fart-sausage named Donald Trump to me, who, I gotta be honest, hardly deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as me, Narcissus Bae.

Apparently, when they’re describing the new president of the united states, every pundit and wag, whether its USA Today, the Telegraph, or Psychology today, thinks they’ve figured something out when they describe this guy as a “narcissist,” right? But come on, guys — that’s totally off base! Let Narcissus tell you why.

First thing’s first- have you seen what this guy looks like? Oh my Zeus! I took one look at that face and had to re-up on my own reflection for a full day before I could keep reading. Luckily for me, my 7” barnes and noble nook has a convenient book-marking feature which allowed me to save my place while I was recovering from the shock.

So yea, once I’d finished vomiting in my mouth, I took another look at this shmuck and my Zeus — can i just rip him apart for a minute? Thanks.

In a word? Neck. In 2 words? Neck and Face. In 3 words, Neck, Face and Hair. In 4 words, Neck and Face and Hair and… I’m gonna go with Neck again. And if I had to pick a fifth word it would be that big old centaur Ass! Zeus on Mt. Olympus! JMW Turner could paint a portrait of me on that thing. Ovid could write an entire mythology on it! I don’t mean about it, I mean on it, like papyrus. That is, if it weren’t so convenient to read Ovid on the 7” barnes and noble nook, with more than a million books priced at under $4.99 apiece.

Okay, so that’s first- I don’t see how people can even compare him to me. Secondly, the problem with referring to this guy as a “narcissist” is that, come on — I’m not nearly the kind of mean-spirited prick that he is! I’ve been pretty satisfied for thousands of years with just looking at my reflection — you can say a lot of things about me, but I would never take the time to pick on football players, gold star widows, and John McCain, for Hera’s sake- hasn’t that guy been through enough? But more importantly, with all this good reflection for me to take in, who’s got the time to be such a bullying little cerberus?

So that’s about it — all I’m saying is — please stop comparing Donald Trump to me! Its not that insightful, its sort of ruining my Narciss-buzz, and I don’t think it’s serving your cause.

If you absolutely insist on finding a figure from Greek mythology to compare that guy to, might I suggest The Minotaur? Check it out — powerful, dangerous, a butterface who survives on the blood of innocent victims, and most importantly, he is half-man…and half-bull. See what I did there? Pretty clever, right? Thanks. I know. Okay. Friend me! Narcissus out.