Navigating burn out and a life transition
It’s a lot, but also one helps the other. Will I know what works if I don’t try?
I put on my motivational playlist and I sit at the table.
If you don’t have a playlist that cheers you up and makes you want to dance in heels and without a care in the world, you should consider starting one now.
Seriously.
I started today with a painful, tearful session of physical training at the hospital. And then I decided I would take up space. Cancel whatever makes the pain feel bigger today. And follow through.
And like magic, the electrical tiggling in my right hand disappeared.
Not like magic, I still have the whole rest of the pain in the whole rest of my body.
But my hand isn’t getting worse today. There’s no way I’m participating in that.
I cried because the training was adapted to how flexible I was but not to how much pain I was to bear any weight on my body where it hurts.
And I didn’t communicate it. I thought the warning efforts would work, or that they would somehow know. But I wasn’t comfortable with any weight. And I know that when people don’t see you crying and/or on the ground, often they don’t believe that you are in pain.
What I am still learning is that this applies to how much I believe of what I am going through as well.
If you could ever so kindly crumble on the floor because of the pain so I could notice that something doesn’t work for you; please do so, body.
If you could be unable to get out of bed or bear a single thought of doing something apart from closing your eyes so I could start listening to you; please do so, mind.
This is the weight I bear every day.
The weight of not paying attention to myself.
The weight of 31 years of living life like this and realising maybe one day, that I really cannot live like this.
On some days I understand this as in: I can’t live anymore.
And when I can, I put the playlist on and I give myself the time to remember this: I really cannot live like this anymore. I need to find another way.
And in the other way, I have a killer playlist.
And there I am free.
What is one thing I can do to free myself more now? Where am I overextending myself? One thing that is bringing me down/I keep on repeat in my mind and I need to let go of/speak up about?
What is one thing I can do less of?
I want to doubt myself less. I want to follow through on the impressions I have. If I feel relieved at the idea of not doing something, I give myself an hour to let it go, cancel, postpone.
Free permission slip to change my mind.
Free permission slip to disappoint.
Free permission to try and be messy, fail, but try.
The first time I heard about chronic pain being linked to stress/not being medical, I dismissed it.
Here is why, and here is why I would do the same all over again right now:
For about a year, more than finding a reason behind why, I needed someone to care, I needed someone to listen, and I needed to be and feel seen in pain. Day in and day out.
And I needed to do just that with friends, with doctors, with family.
This gave me this precious information: I am safe, as I am, around people.
And this other one: who do I go to when I need someone to listen and be there, and how do I ask for help and support when it gets hard.
It sucked very often. I didn’t get what I needed very often too.
And sometimes I did. Until it got to a new point recently.
First off, my relationships were changing. My expectations moved exactly as my sense of self worth and trust in myself also moved closer to my heart.
My therapist asked me this: did you feel safe when you entered my office? And could you let yourself be you before having to assess how I am?
And talking further about how likely (and very truly) this is how I approach most human interactions, I realised that no, I don’t feel safe to bring myself first in this conversation before knowing how you are and how you feel.
And no, I don’t know how to do this any other way.
Why? Because I don’t feel like doing a lot of what we are going to do as we first see each other. I don’t want to hug, I don’t want to kiss, I don’t want to do small talk and sometimes I don’t really want to meet, and maybe even I am not fully happy or excited to see you, like I do this because I want to talk about something or I know it’s important but I am not here for fun and cuddles.
So I don’t. Because it is easier to try and make the other person feel comfortable first and then go into the conversation.
I will say it: I hate this. I hate that reading this shines a light on how I am emotionally attempting something manipulative so I perceive the situation to either be more comfortable for me to speak or probably so I can recreate a setting from growing up, where it wasn’t unsafe to bring up.
As a kid and young adult I would cry when I would ask for very small things I wanted my parents to help me with or give me. I didn’t bring up a lot of things. Because my caregivers needed emotional regulation from me or just weren’t emotionally or physically available. The latter was always first and mostly the only acceptable reality.
As an adult, setting and reaffirming boundaries regularly with my parents has helped us build the beginning of new foundations for a relationship. It’s been hard, and hard is an understatement.
Now as an adult, I want more, I want something else from my other relationships. Because frankly, if you are around me and like me, then you don’t want or need any of this supposedly careful process to talk about stuff, nor do you want me to do or say stuff to make you feel anything, when really I just don’t want to do it.
Makes senses right?
So damn hard to do.
But I’m starting.
And I’m starting with this: one action a day toward this other way of living.
And before I meet someone, asking myself this: what do I not feel like doing or sharing with them today?
One day, I can also plan to follow through every time. But this thing is hard. So I am in the noticing part. And this is already something.
At this point, it is a sensible thing to do, to share that my current work isn’t working, sick leave or no sick leave.
One action a day.
I think this will help.
It already is.
It’s small enough to do.
And it happens 365–6 times a year.
