There, not here.

It’s hard to imagine
Life without you.
Without someone I’ve shared
Most of my adult years with.

Someone who
actively molded me into a better version of myself.
Someone who
always encouraged me when I was trapped in a void of helplessness.
Someone who
looked out for my best interests, even when I couldn’t realize it.

So for the last week
I started getting up earlier, realizing soon you won’t be there
to wake me every morning.
to bring me coffee just the way I like it
to tell me it’s okay, when I have something dreadful to face that day.

Soon, I would have to face it all alone.
You’ll be there for me, but not here for me.
You’ll be there for me, but not present — here. For me.
& it would just about the hardest thing I’ll endure.
Just being away, indefinitely.

You know I don’t like surprises, or unknowns for that matter.
I always read ahead to know what happens on a book-based t.v. show
Always open ears for spoilers provided by friends.
I just love knowing what is going to happen
& the control that comes with it,
But life can never play out that way.

So I memorized the ridges of your thumb
as it grazes the top of mine;
The way you place your dry hands on mine 
to let me know you’re here — present.
They’re the same hands that has tickled me 
and made me laugh against my will.
Even through tears of sadness literally shed moments before.
The same hands that has shocked me
multiple times, because they’re always so cold
(and you can never keep them off of me.)

I memorized 
the weight of your arm around my shoulder
and the section of hair you like to twirl between your fingers.
I memorized 
the structure of your chest and the comfort I gained from the shape
so that I may rebuild it out of pillows for when I get lonely
because I will get lonely — that is inevitable.
I memorized
your calming common sayings so that I may repeat them to myself
if I need to. Things like:
“I’ll come back for you.”
“You’re my priority.”
“This will be good for you in the long run.”
“I don’t know why I can’t express myself properly.”
“That’s not how life works.”
“I want to be with you forever.”

For moments when you’re “there” but not here.
For when I’m swimming in irrational thoughts of doubt,
almost eagerly forgetting that we’ve already survived 
through tougher tribulations & came out stronger 
from larger mistakes (made, on my part) and still — 
you’re here.

You’ve always came back
and this shouldn’t be any different.
Time has proved more than once that
while I’m chasing dreams,
my only ambition is to be with you forever.
My heart will always be with you
& I won’t be whole
until the day you come back to me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
and lean not unto your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and
He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5–6)
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