For Forever

Alix Sharp
Aug 28, 2017 · 2 min read

I’m performing in a show this Thursday. It’s quite different from my usual writings.

This VAMP is different for me because I finally admitted a truth to myself. I’m struggling a lot these days with validation. Being unemployed sucks. Especially because my previous job was so fulfilling; I got to see a global impact with what I put my hands on. And then losing that, then applying to a lot of jobs, getting to where I can see the goal and be turned down countless times… Needless to say, my mental health is still very fragile.

I was close in my own way with my grandfather, but I’m still processing what it means to have one of the people I was closest to pass. To be able to bear witness to the alchemy that is Japanese cremation, to see his earthly self become bones and one with the Earth was beautiful, but at the same time, there was a stillness upon realizing that my kin, my beautiful, lovely kin are getting older.

My gorgeous puppy that I’ve known from being weeks old is getting grayer around her jaw. My love, my light. I will eventually outlive her.

I will eventually outlive my family, and I’m so damn terrified about the eventualities. Why do I think this way?

My mental health is fragile. I keep on thinking about the what-ifs. I write about the what-ifs. The terror that my anxiety shackles me to is my fuel for writing.

This piece I’ve crafted for the show is much like my curry. Warm, with depth, and a lot of heart. But on the B-side, it’s about my family. Seeking a connection to the past to anchor it to my future. The fight about being two wholes. I am both Japanese and American.

I wrote this in the witching hour when I was still on my much needed retreat home to O`ahu. While there’s a part of me that regrets the trip strictly based off of savings, I cannot change what this summer has done. I’ve lost friends because of my instability causing jealousy, but I’ve also gained new ones.

I think there’s a time and place for friendship and to force it is also harmful, so while I mourn the loss of those friends, I know that I am better for having them in my life while I did, and eagerly anticipate what the new friends in my life shall bring.

Bless you all.

A

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Alix Sharp

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writer | anthropologist | dreamer | philosopher | dancer