(My open journal to my experience of a loved one going to prison. Day to day)
The rough draft to my final of a new beginning.
Not only has it been a hard end of the year and hard beginning of the year for myself but it seems like it’s only getting worse.
My boyfriend made a some dumb choices recently. He decided that he wasn’t going to get caught driving while being intoxicated.
Well he did. Now he might have to do time (aggravated DUI).
Maximum of two and half years.
It’s been so difficult knowing hell be gone. It’ll be over. Meanwhile it’s not. But lately we both know it’s over. At least for now.
We’re just waiting on his court date.
At least I know I won’t be completely alone but accompanied by jazz my rottie.
It’s really bitter sweet. We haven’t been doing so well and I’ve missed my single, traveling, solo time.
I missed my self for a while now.
I’m sad and angry. Angry for I have to also pay consequences for his mistakes. Sad because I’m going to miss cooking with him. Sleeping, hiking, bike riding, and everything “couple” stuff we did.
I’m sad because our family of 3 is being tear down because he was stupid and made a stupid decision(s).
He saw it coming. He’s been making foolish decisions it was bound to happen. I almost don’t feel sorry for him, I’m cold. Without emotion. Deep down I feel he deserves it. For many heartaches and tears.
Lies… after lies.
I hate to think this is the only way to fall In love with myself. Because I’ll finally have time alone. He will be far and I will be in the present moment. I’ve tried to move on. But it’s very difficult when family doesn’t support you. When you have a dog no one wants in their home. When you’re working 20hrs and going school. When all you want is to be alone and in a way not let your friends (the few I have) and family know. Just want to be alone.You don’t want to hear the “I told you so’s” .
After all if you don’t LOVE yourself how can you love anyone else? Someone said that out loud tonight. The words impinged on my mind.
I will write everyday from now.
An open journal. A new journey.
This will be the beginning of and end.
Can’t wait to record everyday and after a year or two read and look back of how far I’ve gone (Hopefully). I’m a pessimist now.
Court is on April 18. My start date.
Rough draft, done.