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I Love My Mediocre Husband

A husband took to Instagram to chronicle an unyielding devotion to his thicc wife. This is her response.

I love this man and his acid wash jeans; his Kingston Rossdale faux haux; his complete lack of sartorial prowess. As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to low-key misogynists with lackluster personalities; ones the average (basic) female might refer to as “dudes” or even “bros.” Then, as I became a woman and started to educate myself on issues such as the men’s rights movement and how the media marginalizes red-blooded American males by drilling corporatized feminism into our brains, I suddenly realized — the modern man feels inferior to women!

We continue to lump these men into one innocuous category, forcing them to retreat to the dark corners of Reddit, where they procure serums and supplements, like this Strawberry Caveman True Paleo Formula or these Infowars Life Biome Defense™ Probiotics in order to maintain narrow standards of hyper-masculinity (jacked, huge, swole). But for me, there is nothing sexier than this man right here: boot-cut jeans, a normcore widow’s peak, and an ominous patch of chest hair that screams “X marks the spot.”

His shape and size won’t be the one featured on the cover of Men’s Health, but it’s the one featured in my life and on my Instagram feed. There’s nothing sexier to me than an earnest content creator with average features and zero sense of irony, who will gladly purchase a pair of sensible Lenscrafters™ frames and then gently grope me in a pool full of rainbow sprinkles.

Girls, this creative genius I married can stand in front of some subpar street art and still receive thousands of likes. Rethink what society has told you and find yourself a mediocre man. A real man is not a rock star or Fulbright Scholar or the next Bravolebrity. He’s real. He has a heart of gold and an average-sized penis with the girth of a souvenir baseball bat, and guys, don’t ever fool yourself into thinking women hate being objectified, because my man regularly posts pictures with his hand on my backside coupled with hashtags including (but not limited to) #MyQueen and #BootyForDays.

Eventually, if you swipe hard enough and create endless streams of #lifestyle #content, you’ll find yourself a Huffpost Contributor / TEDx Speaker willing to splatter your image across the Internet, because that is true love. Quantifiable love. And guys, there is girl out for you — wasting the last fertile years of her life scrolling through Instagram and subtweeting our perpetual bliss. Eventually she will settle down, and can force herself to love you like I love my TRIPP™

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Debbie Saslaw is an award-winning writer and producer who enjoys electronic dance music and dystopian fiction.

You can follow her on Twitter @butlikesrsly.