Today is the 8th month anniversary of my own True Love’s passing…
Sadly, today March 11th is the 8th month anniversary of my Love, Dean’s passing on July 11th 2016.
I awake after tossing all night trying to remember I must be up, showered and dressed by 7:49 a.m. to honor he and our legacy of love.
All night long I thought the time changed one hour forward & that I’d forgotten to set the clock. It was an exhausting night.
Suddenly when I awoke at what I thought was 5:30 a.m. it was 4:30 am. I lay there alone again, you are not there for me to roll over and hug. I do not hear your breathing nor sense your body anywhere.
Oh God, another day to make myself go forward, inspire myself to go on without you by my side. I suddenly realize the time changes tonight it did not change last night, breathe a sign of relief, do some spiritual reading and pray/meditate, whatever I can muster, get a cup of coffee, take out La’Bayou who has been nuzzled by my feet. I come back, and read some more.
I take a shower, put on make up, dry my hair and look at the time.
I missed it, I missed that precious moment when I was holding your had and heard, instantly heard, “The Quiet™,” your breathing had stopped you were gone…gone taken by the Angels whose footstepsI heard on the creaking stairs that night while the porch light flickered on and off.
Gone… at 7:49 a.m. Monday, July 11, 2017.
A fog, a disbelief ensues, can I get up can I walk and make the phone call? Oh, I forgot Linda, the Hospice nurse, is asleep on the sofa. We had both been up for 48 hours. You see, I had to ask the caregiver I could not afford in the first place, to leave.
I had gone over the medication with him for the night, showed him the log and so forth. I went upstairs, told him I come down in a few hours, fell into our bed. Alone.
As my head hit the pillow, simultaneously a profound thought crossed my mind, ““He’s sleeping, go down wake him up and take care of your Beloved yourself. You can do this.” I tiptoed downstairs, the caregiver was asleep! Just as I thought. I told him he was tired and graciously suggested he go home and get some sleep (I wanted to scream at him I wanted to shake him). I did not.
I made a pot of coffee. God does coffee taste horrible at 12:00 a.m.
I did yoga stretches and breathing, walked around the kitchen and living room 10 or 20 times to awaken even more. I talked to myself, “You said you can do this, so now is the time.” I did, I did it and got through the night talking to you, holding your hand, telling you that you are my Brave Prince, read your beautiful books to you. I love you, I will love you forever until the end of time, “…until the White Winds of Death scatter our days,” and then we will soar in the Heavens and Dance upon the Stars together forever more.
As you dedicated to me in your books: “To Deborah, the Light of my life in this life and all lives to come, I will love you forever…” I say this to you, “You my beloved are the Light of my life…❤️
Today, March 11, 2017 is daunting, and disturbing, it is bittersweet. I still feel him here, but he is not here.
I receive a text, and synchronicities abound as they did on your birthday, just 2 days ago.
It seems my beautiful, handsome and brave Prince has been busy in the Heavens working on behalf of others to save them from the toxic product that tormented him and his exquisite body & and left him with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, the Cancer that took his life, his last breath.
I get a text about noon on this very day. The Superior court ruled against Monsanto and has allowed Monsanto’s Roundup on the Prop 65 list and stated it will be labeled as cancer causing. Yeah, I immediately shiver with chills and the tears flow, the tears that keep flowing, on and off, on and off again, On.
This is a result of the hearing I attended in January in Fresno and where I spoke at the Press Conference, along with Bobby Kennedy Jr, and 2 other victims as well as the United Farm Workers, on your behalf and the behalf of our fellow victims and their families who have an will suffer as I have at the loss of their loved one.
Together you, Dean Brooks, my love, and I, Deborah, still co-create, you in one world, and I in another, albeit lonely and unbearable, these moments are profound and reassuring.
Tears and synchronicities flowing…interwoven together in and out…❤️
“You were born together, and together you shall be forever more.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Sing and dance together and be joyous…
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.” -Kahil Gibran
But there, on the hilltop, stood two beautiful trees — an oak tree and a linden — with their branches all twined and twisted together. And, the linden and the oak had grown together and became One…I love you…
The Journey continues infinitum…