Norfolk, Virginia

Recently, a friend of mine and I took a trip together to see two wonderful friends of ours. For the purposes of my story, I will refer to my awesome traveling companion as T and our wonderful friends who live in Norfolk as B & Z, who happen to be dating by the way.

I was very nervous and excited for the trip. I knew it would be a long drive for the both of us but we managed very well. The fact that I’m still getting to know T, but finding out he was very patient with me and very kind to me, put me at great ease. We traveled a good 8 hours to get to Norfolk, arriving around 3:30 in the morning. We were very tired that early morning but were greeted with open arms by B & Z.

The following day, we woke up during the afternoon. We all went out to the grocery store and liquor store and came back to the apartment to rest a bit. B took T and myself out for a walk, to see the campus where she goes to school at. When we came back later that evening, we began to drink. I was very “tipsy” as I’ll put it, and for some reason was fed a banana with spoonfuls of Nutella until I snatched the spoon and refused to let go of it for the rest of the night. I also happened to find my horse mask in my luggage.

The following day, we were taken to the mall. The place was magnificent and I even got to go into my second Apple store. My little heart was pounding with joy as I got to see it. I still have a strong love with Macs and any thing Apple product related.

Moving on to the rest of the stores, we went to FYE where I found a set of three vinyl records I had so very much wanted. Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories, Fleet Foxes Helplessness Blues, and Jeff Buckley’s Grace.

Now I must confess, the drive back to the apartment was my favorite part this night. It had been raining and I was always told that in Norfolk, when it rains, it pours. But the rain that night was so beautiful. You could see all the city lights through the rain drops as they slid down the car windows and it was something truly glorious to behold.

When we arrived back at the apartment, we all settled down with a couple of drinks, set up Super Smash Bros. for the Wii U, had ourselves a blast while listening to two of my vinyls and then one of Z’s. The one of Z’s was Coldplay’s Parachutes. I was building up inside with excitement as I knew my one and only favorite song by them Yellow would play eventually. B & Z, knowing this was a favorite of mine, after listening to it on vinyl, showed me an acoustic version of the song.

I cannot begin to tell you just how much I began to cry. If I had not controlled myself more than I was trying to then, I might have run to the bathroom and fallen to the floor to let all the tears come out of my system. (From all I’ve yet written so far, I’m quite a bit of a cry baby. But tears are good to let out when you are as happy as I was then.)

I remembered a time when I wasn’t with A. But we were actually friends. I was learning to be happy on my own and still yet appreciate his friendship. And I found that song, Yellow. My little heart would race as I would drive alone at night, listening to this song and speed away on the high way and look up through the windshield at the stars in the sky. They were shining for me. I was free. I remembered that freedom. And yet I threw it away again to be with the selfish boy. But to listen to the song again now and to realize I have that freedom, within all reality this time, brought me to tears. All I could repeat to myself was, “I don’t have to hurt anymore.”

Now we come to my favorite part of the entire trip; I drove us to Virginia Beach. Mind you, I’ve not been to the beach since 2010, when I went to Australia. It was raining heavily that day. But we were all still very determined to go to the beach. After making a few wrong turns due to our confusing GPS and not being able to find a parking lot, we arrived at the beach. My little heart was racing. I set foot on the wet sand and began marching towards the sea. The rain was heavy and a little cold but I wasn’t about to let that stop me from seeing this beauty of nature. We all had carried things with us and when we figured out how much they hindered us, we ran back to the car to leave our belongings there. I even left my shoes and socks in the car. Z stayed behind in the car as to not get sick, while B, T and myself went back to the beach.

I ran ahead of them the best I could. Getting ever closer to the ocean, there was nothing before me but clear ocean that lay before my eyes, the gray skies above and beyond. The rain falling on my face, my whole body already soaked from the rain, I was laughing while trying to conjure up the courage to get my feet swept by the tide. I knew it would be cold. And it was. When my feet hit the water, I squealed and only laughed. I managed to drop my glasses in the sand and eventually just carried them. I stared at the skies and the rest of the beach and how clear and how vast it was. Here I was, letting the rain have me at its will, the beach reaching for me at the very best it could, and I was free. I wasn’t at work, I wasn’t with A, I wasn’t locked and tied down by the weight of the world, I was here and I was free.

But alas, I have come to realize my own predicament.

I knew in that beautiful moment that it would not last forever. I knew I would eventually go home and go on with my repetitive lifestyle. Eventually (we hope) B & Z want me as a roommate to join them there in Norfolk. I want that ever so badly but I still carry the same fear that my life will eventually or always be…repetition. The same shit, over and over again, dealing with the same people every day, nothing ever changing. That is my biggest fear in my entire life, my one and only reason why I would ever consider suicide. But worry not, for I am still alive, am I not?

Had I not known everyone wanted to leave because of the rain, I might have stayed a little bit longer to apologize to the ocean for not being there sooner to see it. With the rain, the wind, the mist and the ocean, it was all so very soothing to me. In that moment of stillness, my soul was at some form of peace, even if my heart felt unsettled by these thoughts surrounding my brain. I didn’t care how much sand got on me or my glasses or how drenched I was. I would have stayed in that moment forever had God Himself let me. But nothing ever works out the way we want it to.

We went out to eat and then back to the apartment. We played more Smash Bros. and watched The Life Aquatic. The following day, T and I set out for home.

I want to live and I want to love. But my heart yearns for so much more than what this life has to offer me. I often wonder if I will ever find the peace and reassurance that I am looking for. I know though, in the end, I’m going to be okay, no matter what thoughts run through my head. I’m still in the process of healing so that is a start.