I’m supposed to be pregnant by now

I was in the pregnant gym class in high school. Yes, that was a thing. And yes, that said everything about my sportsball abilities. As I flung and flailed myself around in whatever sport the gym teachers promised I was playing, the pregnant girls marched around the gym for the physical activity. Their marching was a reminder that if we even looked at a guy we’d have a belly full of baby as well. I’ve looked at my husband (and maybe a few other guys) a lot.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

I sat through health class after health class being told about what our bodies do. They wanna make babies. All the babies. So many babies. Just one little slip up on birth control… baby. I threw the birth control away four years ago.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

The first doctor looked at my chart and then looked at me. “You’re getting old to be trying.”

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

The second doctor told me I wasn’t too old. But that was like two years ago. I’m probably too old now.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

Every time I tell someone I’m trying, they tell me some holy secret that would cause every man, woman and child to become pregnant if they heard about it. I’ve literally tried them all.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

My husband took all the tests. He’s perfect. Then the doctor looked at me.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

Several of my friends said, “Take this drug. This is the key to everything.” Then my doctor said, “Take this drug. This is the key to everything.” So I took the drug. It was the key to everything. I threw up for a month. Then I got the fateful call: “Your hormones are great! You’re probably pregnant!” More vomit. But vomiting for the cause! This was the key to everything! I got my period a few days later. A friend told me she was pregnant the next day.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

“Just forget about it. Everyone gets pregnant when they give up.” I’ve given up like fifteen times.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

People told me to stop drinking and treat my body like a temple for a baby. Know what is really great for your mental health? Treating your body like a temple for a non-existent baby. Pass the damn flask.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

My nephew told me after he told my sister that he was expecting. I told him the joke wasn’t funny. He told me it wasn’t a joke. I got madder because he’s just a kid. He told me he was old enough to have a baby. And that’s when I realized he was. We hung up. He called me back in the middle of my teary breakdown to tell me not to tell anyone. He asked if I was okay. I told him I sounded weird because I was pooping.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

The last time Kim Kardashian got pregnant, my reaction was, “GOOD FOR HER! That’s really, really hard.” I legit cheered Kim Kardashian for getting pregnant.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

I don’t want to go back to the doctor because I don’t want to throw up for a month again.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

I have a smile saved for every time someone tells me she’s having a baby. Sometimes it’s even real.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

It’s hard to be friends with people that didn’t have problems conceiving. It’s not them. It’s me.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

I got drunk with a woman that I’m in the process of getting to know. She said, “I was like you. It’ll be okay if you don’t get a baby. You’ll just be the best aunt ever.” The fact that I didn’t cry into my margarita as I mumbled, “I’m already the best aunt ever,” is a flipping miracle.

I’m supposed to be pregnant by now.

My nephew told me that I’ll have a baby. I told him I probably won’t.

I’m not pregnant by now. And I might not ever be. It sucks.