If Mad Max (as played by Tom Hardy) Was Your Boyfriend

Hat tip to The Toast for the concept.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, he would catch you some delicious two-headed gecko for dinner and saute it with garlic and greens and it would actually be delicious.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, he’d listen when you told him to really go see a therapist to deal with his PTSD. And then he’d gradually start getting better and thank you for convincing him to talk to someone, it’s really helping.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, you would snuggle while watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and belt out the theme song together.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, he’d prefer keeping his beard bushy but would trim it for you because those lips, goddamn.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, he would be totally into your work for the Coalition to Abolish Slavery and Trafficking and become a dedicated volunteer himself.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, you would share driving equally on road trips but would usually prefer to walk or bike to conserve gas.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, you’d teach him to be a better shot so you wouldn’t have to keep using him as a rifle stand.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, he would love hanging out with your women friends of all ages, especially your fierce anarcha-feminist grannies who would find him adorable and regale him with stories of the Movement and tips on motorcycle maintenance.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, you would talk about the past as little as possible. In fact, he wouldn’t talk much at all. You would be able to communicate complex thoughts and feelings to one another with just a look.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, he would not be intimidated, or turned on, that you could bench press more than him. He would just nod and offer to spot you. The MRA dudebros at the gym would see this and feel their consciousnesses slowly being raised against their will, and then they would go home and do some serious soul-searching and gradually learn to deal with their issues with women/their mothers and do a lot of reading and eventually identify as feminist but not in a Male Feminist kind of way, and would then dedicate themselves to converting every last MRA on the internet until they cease to exist.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, you would save each other’s lives literally all the time like it wasn’t anything, and then go home and have vigorous, athletic and surprisingly tender sex.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, you would help him learn to trust again and he would help you face your biggest challenges head-on and with maximum horsepower.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, you would both understand when the other one just needed to be totally alone and stare into the middle distance for awhile, and would give each other that space and maybe a mug of cocoa to go with it.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, for the first time you would be able to find peace with someone without feeling tied down. You would both know that you wanted to be with together now, and if one day either of you had to move on, you’d move on. You would attain that mythic relationship ideal of love free of ownership, and both be mature enough to make it work. Also neither of you would really have the energy for an open relationship so that wouldn’t be an issue.

If Mad Max was your boyfriend, you’d help each other find some kind of…..redemption.