Remembering Dad & coffee date with him in my dreams!!

I’ve written many words in a few hours in the last week. I’ve written on napkins & in notebooks & on Phone note . This isn’t purely about the loss of a human: this is about grief in its many forms.

Few days ago when I was in Bhopal sitting all alone in coffee shop writing all about the emotional transformation takes place with me after dad loss! A men ask me to join my coffee solo date then he asked me about what I do as he is noticing me from a two days on same coffee shop with my diary & pen! I look up at him like distracted from my work & told him, I’m a physiotherapist & currently writing a book on my father loss! This is most toughest phase of my life as I’m living with Do Not Disturb board after Dad loss so when suddenly an unknown person asked me such question I got my laugh back! I could have told him I was writing on my new project but I tell him the truth!

He was more concerned for my health than my story! I stayed with my Dad during height of COVID-19! I still remembered clearly how Dad used to laugh, celebrate & purchase fruits for us! He was like irreplaceable! I don’t get time to cry for him as situations want me to hold the responsibility of my family & they are also doing the same!

The night I lost Dad , I know it would be impossible to live! While I’m quite comfortable in living by myself but couldn’t run away from anxiety inside me!

I know my Dad is going to contact us & try to visit me after his death! But I was……. Assured & nervous! Dad has given us sign from another end after few hours of his death but anything I could feel his presence bedside me! Although I’m not ready for this loss!

Then after few days I can feel him in daylight too! He was watching us during night & can feel him in my clinic too! Was he truly always with me as people said ! I finished the book on Dad after few days meer with an accident during which I saw my Dad protecting me from falling! But someone told me that his body become weak & he Died but afterlife he is more way purposeful & powerful in every way! He is trying every way to contact us! During course of his stays after death with us he breaks glasses, breaked glasses, messed with electricity & dropping things in our home!

And still Dad do same …. Everyday in same shape & form! The difference now is I don’t awake late, I want to meet Dad again ! Besides every time he picks his things I used to say now, Hi Dad missing you! I always smile & think to myself …. Thank you for being my Dad! Importantly thank you for giving birth to me & my friend!

Don’t hide your grief: honor it.

Don’t forget your legacy: embrace it.

Don’t fear the unknown: have a conversation with him every morning, & tell him about your day.

This is about the hard conversations. The taboo topics. The threads through which we are all interwoven, but rarely come to describe.

Let’s talk about pain. Let’s talk about fear. Let’s talk about loss. But also…let’s talk about hope. Let’s talk about strength. Let’s talk about courage. Let’s talk about community.

I don’t know where this is going or when it’ll be ready. I’m just going to keep writing until that little voice in my head tells me to stop.

Sometimes, writing feels like work. This time, it doesn’t. This time, it feels like shedding an old skin. This time, it’s not about treating. It’s about…well, everything.

To anyone who has every loved & lost, in any capacity. In both literal & figurative form. Whether it’s a person or an identity or a relationship or a dream…I hear you. I see you.

@family

This one’s for all of us. Especially for you, Dad .

Yours

Bablu