Destructive Responsibility

See the people I care about get the basic needs to survive — it makes me feel good.
See the people I care about get the cool stuffs which 70% of the people dream of — It makes me feel better.
See the people I care about gets the awesome stuffs which 80% of the people dream of — it makes me feel awesome
See the people I care about get the breathtaking stuffs which 90% of the people dream of — just makes me feel better.
See the people I care about gets the jaw dropping stuffs which 95% of the people dream of — just makes me feel good.
Beyond it doesn’t matter to me at all.

I just came out of the factory — awesome, nice, luxurious and shinning, met all Euro 2,3 4 standards and everything people cared about. I even had ABS, my own intelligence to stop when i thought it was necessary. I could sense rain — turn on my wipers on my own. I had all cool attitudes of making a great sound, color and tattoos all around. Am sure all the buses around jealous of my being.

My responsibilities were blurry when i came out of a remote factory. All i had for myself was a manual which explained me. How to fix me. And how to take care of me.

I met my first buddy Gopi — the most loving driver any bus could have. In the first meeting, I was flattered by the way he looked, his talking style, his jolly attitude and most importantly the love and care he had towards me. And eventually we were the best pals like Jai and Veeru. We understood each other.

Thats when i started slowly understanding what my responsibilities are. I was expected to carry people around and i loved it. It was fun to see different kinds of people all having their own way of thinking, their happy faces, sad faces, their priorities etc. All hopped on to me for a ride and i did what i did best. No complains and hoped i could help all those who needed me.

Gopi took really good care of me, I was always oiled, always was in the pink of my health, i kept getting new tattoos, colors and what not. It was fun. I got so into my responsibility i couldn’t find out how days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and so on. I felt good at first as i was of use to someone. I felt better and than awesome when i was becoming good at it and could start carrying more passengers happily. I overheard people talking good things about me, how beast of a machine i am.

One fine morning, there was a little trouble while i am starting up for the big day. I found out my engine was leaking oil. To make things worse, it seemed like it has been leaking for a pretty long time. That was a disastrous feeling to me. I couldn’t realize when i lost myself under all the happiness i buried myself in. I let Gopi know about it right away. Gopi seemed worried for sometime and found a way to fix it. I am all working now. But once in a while it kept worrying me — what if it leaks again ?

Anyways I was on my job as usual. I carried people beyond my capacity and got claps for it. I carried even more. Till one day when i was broken again. This time i thought once and for all i need to get it fixed. Gopi did his best but it didn’t seemed to go well. I kept thinking i wish i had an eye on my health from day one. I would have been in a better state by now.

But the time gone is gone forever. I started hearing that soon i would become a burden, which hurts me. Sometimes i feel i am really a burden on Gopi and others. I should accept the fact that i can’t get back to the same state of health. And its better i should leave while i still can. Then i think what about the boy waiting for me at the bus stop. These thoughts kept swinging in my mind every moment. I couldn’t find out whats the right thing to do. I knew i was good enough and i could get better, but seems times have changed. No one cares much about it.

I felt good when i took so much responsibility, some i met beyond expectations. Some just at par and surely some below. A thought comes to my mind — did i take a self destructive responsibility ? or did i remove myself from my priority list i had ? Times have become so complicated now, i feel like blaming everyone whose responsibility it was to take care of someone who takes care of them but every night i conclude — if i couldn’t take care of myself no one else could have.

I can see the broken future of mine, hard to accept it, fixing it seems tough — though not impossible to change the future.

Is it just being human that the more we depend on someone we stop giving a thought what it takes for that someone to wake up in the morning and starts fulfilling your dreams ?

Know when its time to oil yourself. Do it before its late.