A Sweet Summer Kiss to White Parties

It’s finally Labor Day Weekend, which means the summer has blown by in a haze of bbqs, drinks cold enough to freeze a bank account, visits to the beach where you made it back alive, and vacations that have your passport looking like a parking validation ticket. However, for Black folks this also means one last shot at a tried and true tradition: The White Party.
Yes, the famous white parties, where folks are dressed to the tee in white linen, grooving to music that always includes Frankie Beverly and Maze — Before I Let Go mixed in, and functional opportunities for children to be born by March-May of the next year. So……………I have a confession to make. Until this August, I had never been to an all white party (No, I will not be giving you my Black card. I am 6'1 and can still jump Double Dutch, so this subscription is for a lifetime).
It’s not that I never wanted to go to one. I just always seemed to miss out on oppurtunities, and when they did arise, welp, I didn’t have the “right degree” of all white (dingy white just ain’t it). Plus it’s always been rare (for me)to actually see ALL WHITE at white parties because most pictures I’ve seen showed some color variation, positively proving not everybody follows directions because their wallet won’t let them be great.
On this occasion however, I was ready. I had ordered some Ralph Lauren white linen pants from Macy’s (you know it was on sale) in May, and since then, they’d been neatly tucked away in my closet. I had been waiting for the perfect time,place, and opportunity; but nothing came up. Enter August, and I still had not found a reason to pull those bad boys out of the protective plastic. Until I was reminded of an all white party through my job’s union and asked to go for free if I just held down a table. My moment had come. The time was now.
See, a union party for NYC government employees is like your big family reunion BBQ. The old heads come to show out and they not playing games. DJ gonna hit you with the Electric Slide, The Wobble, The Cha-Cha Slide, and the Cupid Shuffle back to back, so you best bring your A+ game while everyone shows out in form fitting white dresses, white jeans, and white Kangols; sponsored by Hennessey and future bad decisions.
The very moment I put my linen pants on, I felt an energy engulf me. A power surge went up my spine. The butter soft texture and proper fit had combined for a TKO nobody prepared me for. WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME HOW GOOD LINEN FEELS? I been missing out all this time? Gotdamnit people, I needed this in my life eons ago!
I finally get it now. White linen will have Black folks feeling like royalty. White linen will have you turn any celebration into the Michael Jackson — Do Your Remember The Time music video. Everything just felt electric all of a sudden and this feeling, combined with a half a bottle of tequila resulted in me sweating my life away on the dance floor for over 3 hours, grinding on multiple people’s aunties-cousins-mothers-sisters-nieces-best friends.
By the end of the affair, I was drenched but not funky because Dr. Bonners Peppermint Soap is God’s gift to you unwashed masses. Felt wonderful and the despite an uncomfortable ride home, I knew I had one of the best times of my life.
So with that said, as this summer begins to bid its farewell, I hope that you all get in one last all white party and show off your melanin blessed goodness. I wish I had known sooner but now that I do, it makes sense why anyone wearing all white is always smiling in their pics.
Enjoy folks!