Apr 4, 2016

Does Emotional Intelligence Mean Emotionless?

Have you ever met someone that either gives you the “heebs” or makes you feel like sprinting in the other direction? I have and based on the many stories I hear; I’m guessing you have too.

At one point in my career, I met a leader who made me so uncomfortable, I would take a lap to avoid small talk with her in the bathroom. Other times, I recruited a potty posse to avoid the dreaded one-on-one conversation. Yes, I’m embarrassed to admit I would rather risk a UTI then talk for less than a minute to this person. Why did I feel this way? I love people. She never said anything mean or awful to me or anyone else, so I decided to explore the situations triggering this feeling for me.

As it turns out, I may not have been the only person who felt this way based on watching the behavior of the team and comparing it with what I experienced in the past. Team meetings turned into strange, perfectly worded speeches that made sense intellectually and were often accompanied by a major role change announcement that shocked us all. Everyone knew how to be good soldiers. Come with a smile plastered on your face to mask the blow of whatever message was being delivered. After these Stepford employee moments, the team would leave scratching their heads about what just happened. The floor would be open to questions, and in eighteen months, I found it strange that no one had any questions, including me, ever.

The emotional self control, to the point of being emotionless, was actually more disturbing than dealing with emotional outbursts. She made me uncomfortable, because I had to guess how she felt in every single interaction. It was hard for anyone to tell what response fell into the range of acceptable behavior, because we received a blank, but factual message in every encounter. At least emotional outbursts felt real, and let you know exactly how that person felt at that moment. This emotionless behavior felt unsettling.

It makes sense for organizations to reward people who have control over their emotions. It would be wildly unproductive if people lost control in every meeting. There is a risk of going too far; however, and reaching the other extreme: rewarding the absence of emotions. The opposite of emotional self control is not emotionless, it’s emotional volatility. Which we can all agree is bad. Do the experts really mean we should control our emotions to the point where we no longer have emotions?

Not at all. Healthy emotions at work look like passion, caring, intensity, joy, energy, gratitude and more. Science tells us emotions are contagious meaning others, through empathy, can feel how we feel. Why wouldn’t we want to spread passion, caring, intensity, joy, energy and gratitude at work?

Yet some organizations have gone too far, and reward emotionless robots who say all the right things without putting any “umph” into showing how they or others might feel about it. When a leader doesn’t show any feeling it comes across as cold, calculating and manipulative, which breeds disengagement and ultimately, distrust. All of which dims the souls and productivity of the people who want to do their best work.

Great leaders are vulnerable, curious and passionate, dare I say at times, emotional people. These human qualities make them worthy of trust. The distrust created by emotionless leaders catalyzes some foundational problems where people no longer share their ideas, challenges, and feelings with each other. This stifles improvement, innovation, and teamwork. True productivity replaced by political savvy and protective behaviors. Organizations with people wasting most of their energy navigating politics and protecting themselves takes the focus away from what matters most, keeping your customers engaged and away from the competition.

Organizations who value emotionless leaders tend to have a very narrow range of acceptable personalities and behaviors. Serious, polished, cool, calm, and reserved tend to dominate. By eliminating people falling outside of this narrow range, they miss out on the amazing spectrum of diverse personalities and behaviors, which could lead to new ways of thinking and game changing ideas.

I believe organizations that value a broad range of leaders from those who are reserved to passionate, calm to energetic, soothing to intense benefit from the best of all worlds. They get the best of what each person authentically brings to the table.

There are some universal attributes we should expect from all emotionally intelligent leaders. They show vulnerability, are curious about possibilities, and are passionate about their work (expressing this passion in their own way). They give themselves permission to explore what they are feeling and why. They recognize and dig into what others are thinking and feeling without judgement. They inspire by showing their excitement for the future and sincere gratitude for others. They console people in a compassionate way before moving on from a bad experience. They admit when they don’t have all of the answers or when a decision was difficult to make and why. They celebrate ideas and problem identification, because they know it’s good for morale and learning. They take time to understand how they are feeling and they choose behaviors in the moment that take the team in a positive direction.

This may mean showing the emotion they are feeling or taking more time to explore the feelings before sharing them with others. Always knowing that authenticity and vulnerability will never fail them in the end. Let’s make more room for these leaders.