So as I mentioned in an earlier blog post, I am a power tool salesman. The company I work for exclusively sells its product out of The Home Depot, s0 therefore, I work exclusively in The Home Depot. And it has been quite an experience thus far.
I grew up in a suburban town in Pennsylvania. The closest thing I have to general contracting work experience is running my own little pressure washing business for a couple of years in high school. I am very much not the construction worker type, but all of my customers are. Construction workers are an interesting breed of human. They’re usually dirty, smelly, and in a bad mood. I talk to them pretty much all day long and after five and half months of working this job, I think I have a pretty good idea of what makes the typical construction worker tick.
I have no idea what the fuck is up with them and bathrooms though.
There are no private bathrooms in The Home Depot. Only public ones that are open to both employees and customers in the store. And because I am a slightly unambitious power tool salesmen, I probably spend a cumulative 30–45 minutes per day in a bathroom stall playing around on my phone. And the shit (no pun intended) I hear, smell, and sometimes see in The Home Depot bathroom is pretty unbelievable.
It’s basically a guarantee that at least once per day I’ll hear someone burst into the bathroom, panting uncontrollably, and shit their god damn brains out. And I mean literally shit their brains out. Construction workers have no shame, especially in Home Depot bathrooms. They scream and moan and curse as they free the demons from inside them. I used to be pretty repulsed by it all, but after about five months of this shit (again, no pun intended) I’ve started to find it pretty hilarious. These guys must be eating the worst diet imaginable for them to all be having explosive diarrhea every single day. But explosive diarrhea isn’t even the worst of it.
I once walked in on a dude jerking off in the handicap stall at 9 am. Walking in on your friends jerking off is kinda funny, but walking in on a 250+ pound contractor whacking it in a Home Depot bathroom is fucking scarring. For whatever reason, these guys think the handicap stall is the international waters of bathroom stalls. The handicap stall is no man’s land. I’ve seen/smelled guys smoking cigs in the handicap stall, I’ve heard them chug beers and smash their empty bottles on the ground, and I once saw the store’s maintenance guy pull trig and puke his guts out into the bathroom sink at 8 am. The Home Depot is filled with odd people to begin with, but their bathroom is a god damn zoo.
And even after all the evil I’ve witnessed in that bathroom, I still can’t stay away. I’m not sure if it’s my desire to see more crazy shit in there or if it’s just my unwillingness to work, but whatever it is, I’ll be damned if I don’t get my 30 minutes of bathroom time every day.
Nos vemos mañana
