present tense. entering a new seeming “age” of my life story. it’s hard to tell which chapter i’m on. either way, the story will continue whether it’s documented or not. for those who aren’t exactly in the know, my father passed away on the 26th of april. the emotions involved in dealing with this predicament are hard to convey in terms of wording, though i think the action of merely putting it out in the universe tends to ease the soul, even if for just a slight bit. i haven’t always been on the best terms with my father, but then again, we weren’t always on the worst.
it is feels more hurtful considering the fact that it wasn’t expected, and that he and i seemed to start polishing a relationship that was previously tarnished by distance, situation, and differences that we were too stubborn to honestly see past. knowing what i know now, i would change certain things; i’d make more time and less excuses to get together. in retrospect, it seems very selfish and immature of me, and if i could make sense of it to my younger version, i’m sure i’d tell the less-wise dale with physical force.
there’s no real way to deal with this subject in the perfect way; everyone has a style in which they choose to cope with such a feeling. i am honestly amazed that i’m handling this much better than i had anticipated. i’m very used to piledriving myself into the bottom of a bottle very quickly, though not for sorrows. it’s not to say that i haven’t had a few hits of the sauce, but not nearly the degree of what i’m capable of. there’s a slight numb void now and it’s hard to fill, but how or what i choose to put in it’s place shouldn’t be something that can be self-destructive because i feel as if i’ve done enough of that in this lifetime thus far. it’s crazy to think that i’ve had someone in my life, that’s been there since my very beginning: that had a part in my total creation, who i am, the way i write, how i treat others, all culminating to the person i am today, and now they’re simply not there. he’s never been farther than my phone, yet i didn’t exercise that motion nearly as much as i feel that i should have. the saying “you don’t know what you’ve got, until it’s gone”, definitely bears true in life. it’s hard to justify worth when you have something, until it’s taken away that it’s absence is fully known.
some say you should never regret things. i agree that you shouldn’t, but i do. i would honestly give the rest of my life for just one more day, asking things i never got to, sharing stories i never got to share, and making an even better relationship with him. i procrastinated so much, that i didn’t realize that i was hurting myself in the long run. with that, i implore you to rebuild burnt bridges, sometimes they’re worth the work. not everything can be a complete loss, throwing something away because it’s broken isn’t always the right solution. some things can, and should be fixed. often i find that the blemish/flaw adds character, it bears a story that is worth the read or at least being heard, even if just once.
