Just waiting for the sadness to pass. It sits so heavily on my chest . Not always present. More like a visitor or an intruder. Mothers Day. Birthday . Both fall in May for me. Holidays without my spouse. High school and college graduations. The deposit on a dorm room. The fee for cap and gown. How can words on paper bring this heaviness? They remind me you are not here anymore. College essays with mention of what a great mom you were. Again words. Words on papers. It is those moments I am not prepared for.
I should be celebrating all of these holidays and milestones and yet I feel sad. Sit with the sages say. Okay it is my therapist who says that and do what with it? Wait. I wait until it passes. Feels like chemo. I would wait until I didn’t feel so crappy anymore until the next cycle came. Chemo and grief sounds about right.