Buried under a mountain of self-expectation? Read this.
Something interesting happened this weekend. After writing my article for the week at the last hour, my mind went through a bit of turbulence. I felt the article hadn’t really hit the right note. It felt for lack of a better word very “plastic” to me.
This is something that happens from time to time. This feeling of being insulated from things. It feels like theatre, like a superficial imitation of what I actually want to do. And usually, I just have to weather it. It can take days or weeks.
But this time it was different. I had put an article out into the world. I was giving advice. I was talking to you, my readers. A large part of me wanted to just pull the article and ruminate on the feeling. Sit back and let it take its course. But a small part knew that going through the storm, instead of around it, was key.
A new philosophy
I recently participated in an improv session, and while I’d long ago heard of the concept of “yes, and”, I’d never actually internalized it. In the session, I was able to put aside my misgivings and social discomfort and just engage in free-spirited play. Rather than critical analysis and rework fraught with self-censorship, it was free flowing, creative, liberating.
I started experimenting with this idea in meetings at work. Rather than contradictions and corrections, conversations became more about acknowledgement, discovery, and occasional steering. What surprised me is how little any of the former behaviors were actually needed.
On the face of it, “yes, and” sounds like a shallow parlor trick. In reality, what lies underneath is a framework for listening and intense mutual collaboration. In order to actually riff off what other people are saying, you have to listen more deeply. In the case that you truly think the conversation is headed down a bad path, you have the overhead of figuring out how to convince people of this, instead of just being forceful, but you have the advantage that they are listening to you deeply, too.
Stumbling into a new path
So how does this relate back to this weekend? Put simply, “yes, and” has become an approach for my own life too. Putting aside the deep-seated desire to self-censor and be correct, I’ve taken my first few stumbling steps onto a path of greater self-acceptance. The edited history of my life looks great, but there are so many moments and times that I have to blot out and smooth over to get there.
I could have easily wiped my article, and started “fresh”. It’s still tempting. But instead I am embracing where I was, yes, and finding the next step. It takes a bit of work. I had to turn off all distractions and just sit with myself for a bit. At first it was painful. My brain kept thinking about turning on the tv or grabbing a book. I didn’t need to face anything. Of course, the intensity of the feeling belied this notion.
Facing myself
What was I running from? Put simply, I tend to “run hot”. I commit myself to a lot of things, and yet almost constantly feel lazy. It’s very common that I get into an escalating spiral here. As the feeling grows, I commit to more things, and let my expectations grow and grow. This in turns makes me commit more, until I reach a peak where I am just exhausted. Both from the work I am putting in, and also from all of the expectations I put on myself.
I look at where I want to be, and how far I am from it, and push even harder. This feeling of dissatisfaction, discontent, becomes my sole existence. This weekend represented a peak, the energy overrunning my entire mindset.
I am determined to own this energy. Having a delta is not a bad thing. It’s fuel, an engine for self-improvement and accomplishment. The key is in not letting the drive towards a future moment eclipse the current moment. For the current moment is the only one we truly have.
I could try to just douse this fire, or alternatively let it run amok. Instead, I’m going to face it, yes, and work with it, moment to moment.
Conclusion
This article is intensely personal for me, but I know I’m not the only one who runs into this kind of issue. A desire, drive, fuel for change that pushes so hard it can stop the whole show.
There isn’t an easy answer. But there is hope. Work with every moment, in that moment. Accept the now. When you stumble, don’t reject it, instead, figure out how to tell life: “yes, and”.
I am a product manager and lead developer who cares a lot about technology and the culture around it. I’m also a person who is on a journey of self discovery and improvement. If articles like this help you, I’d love to know — reply below with your stories. If the ideas here resonate with you, clap to let me know! Follow me on twitter to keep up on my journey with leadership, technology, and mindfulness.
