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Motherhood and Performance Art

Unpredicted. If in this plan based, rational minded, economically orientated, constricted deregulated society we live in the west, it happens that you discover an organic life cycle taking over your uterus, get ready. Not ready for all the wonder and the mistery that would come, as this part is in our make-up (biological/spiritual) and this can be accessed allowing instinct to take over, but get ready for the occidental crisis. To be confronted with the identity, the mother one. We have lost the plot here. A mother today does not know what it is. Anymore. So many meant to be and dos. So many expectations of the prosaic kind. So much to obtain in the material world. Coming to this defining moment asleep. No surprise as this seems to be the state we are most comfortable in the west. Is this analgesic society what we euphemistically call the well-fair state? Sleepwalking into a trap of materialism and the cult of straightforwardness. Is there not a more awakening moment to live than to give birth? I am for sure struggling with what the job is meant to be. I am not sure of who I am, and in the mundane existence of everyday, I forget to recognise the miracle of a new life. I tear divided between my artistic urge and making pasta at an acceptable time for the toddler to go to sleep. Karl Ove’s puts it better in his Struggle in the part where he states that having to shop for dinner come as a surprise everyday. Same here. But, how can I be so selfish? How can I miss the point that my two year old master is already in front of me performing and teaching? Why do I feel as if my life suddenly has gone into fifth gear and before I realise my adult daughter will be burying me? And what about that sisterhood club of mothers of which just the thought I have become a member fills me with awkwardness? Maybe to do with the lack of tenderness from my own mother. The fact that I am finally realising she likely said all those brutal things just cause of a mental condition…Perhaps I would not have that slight repulsion having had a more prominent role model for a mother…

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