10 Things I Think About to Distract Myself from Committing Commute-icide

#1. The shoulder of the road? Never driven on. Close the shoulder of the road? Traffic backed up for 6 miles.

#2. The school across the street from my house? Never seen so much as a Roto Rooter. Roads? Cared for like a National Treasure.

#3. Texting while driving? Totally illegal. Crafting emails, entering 89 numbers to dial into a conference call and updating your Facebook status? All good.

#4. Conditions in which most drivers are incapable of driving? Rain, fog, any amount of snow, any sign of ice, hills or curves and/or if the sun happens to be out.

#5. The road you have driven on for years and never noticed a problem? Expect 12 months of delays while they fix it.

#6. Car in a ditch on a snowy day? SUV — 100% of the time.

#7. Car in a ditch on a non-snowy day? SUV — 100% of the time.

#8. Biggest source of traffic being F’d? The staked out cop trying to catch drivers who are F’ing up traffic.

#9. Snow plows? Yep — all lined up — one behind the other — three in a row — plowing the hell out of — the shoulder.

#10. AT&T cell phone reception? In no-man’s-land Malaysia, Nicaragua or The Philippines — no problem. Want to call your mom while driving between the two most populated cities in Colorado? Come on, let’s not be ridiculous.