Translation guide for the 9 to 5:
All Hands Meeting - Executives denying the company is being sold + McMuffins
bcc: - See the shit I have to deal with??
cc: - Don't say I didn't tell you so.
Commute - Total daily drive time spent thinking, "How bad could being a barista really be?"
Compliance - An entire department dedicated to monitoring the shredder.
Conflict Management – Recommended training for people who have to deal with others and their incessantly idiotic ideas.
Conflict of Interest – A policy that states “Hey Mr. CEO Guy, You know your brother, the electrician, the guy you just hired to run the Marketing Department — that is a bit of a no-no.”
Consultant - A person who gets paid four times more than you to put everything you tell them into a pretty little slide deck.
Corporate “Culture” – Futbol + FREE BAGEL FRIDAY!
Cube Farm - Land of three walled pods occupied by people who spend their days thinking, "I took Economics 301 for this shit?!?"
Cut-Backs - Bye, bye free bagel Friday
Dress Code - Don’t dress like a slut, unless you are that chick in marketing
Employee Training - HR fumbling with the VCR + 90 min. discussion re: what to do if you see someone wandering the halls without a badge.
Family Emergency - Desperately need to get the F out of here.
"For now, let's put that idea in the parking lot." - "How about we bury that thought right over here in 'The Dumb Idea Graveyard'?"
Headcount - Total number of employees remaining which Finance has yet to figure out how to get rid of.
"He is not client facing." - Drools. Can't dress himself. Wicked case of Doesn't-Know When-to-Shut-the-Fuck-Up.
Hiring Freeze - In the interest of dignity preservation we are not bringing anyone else into this place.
Inappropriate Fraternization with A Subordinate - Woops. Somebody call PR.
Internal Communications - Intended to inform employees of corporate vision and strategy, but mostly lets you know there is a white Toyota in the parking lot with its lights on.
"I don't have the bandwidth" - "This sounds suspiciously like it is going to interfere with leaving early."
In Late - Hungover, Job Interview, Both
Iterative Process - Total fail. Repeat.
Legal - An entire department dedicated to one word -- "No."
Legal Contract - Air tight document except in the case where the client blows a gasket
Process - A theory of how to get things done created by those who don't ever do it and ignored by those who do.
Punt - Think Duck, Duck, Goose meets Hot Potato
Push Back - Abso-Fucking-Lutely-Not, diplomatically
Sexual Harassment – A policy re: keeping your thoughts about screwing the intern to yourself unless of course, you are 1) at the Christmas party and/or 2) just really need to say it.
Team Building - Guess whose ass is going bowling?
Weekly Status Report – A very official looking document which states, “Remember what we said didn’t get done last week? Ditto.”
Weekly Team Meeting – 30 minutes dedicated to status updates i.e. complaining about IT
Written Up – Early warning sign that your ass is about to be watching day time TV. Permanently.