The Delicious Day
Feb 16, 2013 · 3 min read

Translation guide for the 9 to 5:

All Hands Meeting - Executives denying the company is being sold + McMuffins

bcc: - See the shit I have to deal with??

cc: - Don't say I didn't tell you so.

Commute - Total daily drive time spent thinking, "How bad could being a barista really be?"

Compliance - An entire department dedicated to monitoring the shredder.

Conflict Management – Recommended training for people who have to deal with others and their incessantly idiotic ideas.

Conflict of Interest – A policy that states “Hey Mr. CEO Guy, You know your brother, the electrician, the guy you just hired to run the Marketing Department — that is a bit of a no-no.”

Consultant - A person who gets paid four times more than you to put everything you tell them into a pretty little slide deck.

Corporate “Culture” – Futbol + FREE BAGEL FRIDAY!

Cube Farm - Land of three walled pods occupied by people who spend their days thinking, "I took Economics 301 for this shit?!?"

Cut-Backs - Bye, bye free bagel Friday

Dress Code - Don’t dress like a slut, unless you are that chick in marketing

Employee Training - HR fumbling with the VCR + 90 min. discussion re: what to do if you see someone wandering the halls without a badge.

Family Emergency - Desperately need to get the F out of here.

"For now, let's put that idea in the parking lot." - "How about we bury that thought right over here in 'The Dumb Idea Graveyard'?"

Headcount - Total number of employees remaining which Finance has yet to figure out how to get rid of.

"He is not client facing." - Drools. Can't dress himself. Wicked case of Doesn't-Know When-to-Shut-the-Fuck-Up.

Hiring Freeze - In the interest of dignity preservation we are not bringing anyone else into this place.

Inappropriate Fraternization with A Subordinate - Woops. Somebody call PR.

Internal Communications - Intended to inform employees of corporate vision and strategy, but mostly lets you know there is a white Toyota in the parking lot with its lights on.

"I don't have the bandwidth" - "This sounds suspiciously like it is going to interfere with leaving early."

In Late - Hungover, Job Interview, Both

Iterative Process - Total fail. Repeat.

Legal - An entire department dedicated to one word -- "No."

Legal Contract - Air tight document except in the case where the client blows a gasket

Process - A theory of how to get things done created by those who don't ever do it and ignored by those who do.

Punt - Think Duck, Duck, Goose meets Hot Potato

Push Back - Abso-Fucking-Lutely-Not, diplomatically

Sexual Harassment – A policy re: keeping your thoughts about screwing the intern to yourself unless of course, you are 1) at the Christmas party and/or 2) just really need to say it.

Team Building - Guess whose ass is going bowling?

Weekly Status Report – A very official looking document which states, “Remember what we said didn’t get done last week? Ditto.”

Weekly Team Meeting – 30 minutes dedicated to status updates i.e. complaining about IT

Written Up – Early warning sign that your ass is about to be watching day time TV. Permanently.

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